Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Sunday.

I work alone on Sundays.

Last Sunday I couldn’t bring myself to go in because I just couldn’t get my head right.

I’m really hoping tomorrow is a different story.

I can’t keep missing work and expecting other people to do my job for me.

I just need to find something within myself to overcome the thoughts that plague me.

I really hope tomorrow goes that way I want.

If I can just get myself to work I’ll be fine.

I can do the job no problem, it’s just mentally I don’t feel equipped to deal with it sometimes, especially when I know I’m going to be alone all day.

Fingers crossed tomorrow isn’t a repeat of last week.

If it is I feel it will be the start of a slippery slope.

Tomorrow.

Working alone.

I work in a microbiology laboratory.

As bacteria don’t stop growing over the weekend we must be staffed 7 days a week.

The weekends are quieter as only certain jobs need to be done.

The lady that normally works weekends is on maternity leave and I am the maternity cover, this means I work Wednesdays to Sundays. Saturdays at busier than Sundays so someone comes in to help out on Saturday morning, but apart from that I spend my weekends alone.

It can be difficult being completely alone when you have a mind like mine. It is constantly thinking, worrying, never keeping quiet. 

I sometimes struggle with spending so much time alone.

Sometimes I take a 5 minute break and ring my fiance to give myself some company.

For some people being alone is just what they need but for me it makes me vulnerable to the thoughts that can plague me.

After the weekends I worry that I forgot to do something or that I did something wrong. I don’t worry like that in the week because I am with people that can check to make sure that everything has been completed.

I love my job but sometimes I wish I didn’t have to work alone and that I always had company. Just to reassure me and distract me from my thoughts.

Life, for me, is easier with friends around me, and I consider all my colleagues to be friends. They know of my struggles and are all really supportive.

Today I am missing some company. 

Working alone.

How mental health has affected my work

For a long time after I got ill I couldn’t work.

I first noticed I was poorly when I was in tears every day on my way to work and when I spoke to a doctor they signed me off work for a couple of weeks.

I hoped to get better in this time but if anything I found myself getting worse, struggling to even get out of bed somedays, and when the time came to return to work I just wasn’t in a fit state so I got signed off again.

This pattern continued for over 6 months until my job had to let me go.

It was a relief in some ways to not have the pressure on me to recover quickly and get back into my normal life, it gave me some time to breathe and focus on recovery for myself not for the pressures of daily life.

After another few months I felt much better and found myself a job, very quickly however I found I was struggling with the negative thoughts again and I often found myself in tears in front of my coworkers. Once again I had to give up work.

Then an opportunity came up at my old place of work, I thought it would be great, somewhere familiar doing a job that I know I am good at, also my fiance works there and I thought having him around would make things easier when the negativity starts to creep in again.

So I found myself back in my old job surrounded by familiar faces and with my rock there to support me.

I have been there for 3 months now and I’m feeling good about it, I’ve had days where I want to give up and go home and sleep all day but I haven’t succumbed to those feelings.

The thing that I struggle with most in the job is having my partner around. As supportive as he is sometimes his presence allows me to be weaker than I should be and to rely on him when I should be supporting myself.

Also I have incredibly bad jealously and I find myself watching him talking to other people and imagining that he’s thinking and saying all sorts of things. The thing is I know above all else that he never would do anything to hurt me or to disrespect me in front of another person. He is too good, too kind, too loving to do those things, yet my mind races.

However, I am learning to challenge these thoughts that I have and to reassure myself that he isn’t doing anything wrong.

Some people may think it’s a mistake working with a partner, especially when you can be as unstable as I am but I really enjoy it when my mind isn’t dreaming up stupid scenarios.

Sometimes I just catch sight of him doing something, anything, and I just feel a massive surge of love for him. 

Spending so much time with one person can be a bad thing but I find that it gives me more opportunities to be reminded of just how much I love him, and for us, at least, it works.

So my working life appears to be back on track so that’s something to check off my list when I’m looking at my progress in recovery.

It’s still very much a wait and see situation, but for now I am pretty happy.

How mental health has affected my work