Loss.

I have been feeling pretty stable lately.

I am working full time, I get to see my friends when our schedules allow, and I’d say that in my life is going in a good direction.

I’ve got a couple of things going on right now though, and they are causing me some problems.

Firstly I lost my grandpa last weekend, I was at work when I found out. My husband didn’t want to tell me until I got home, he thought it would be best for me to get work out of the way and then sit me down when I am at home and tell me. Someone else got the news to me though and it shocked me. 

I knew he wasn’t in great health but I don’t think you ever expect the news.

I left work and went to see my family, to help where I could and to provide support. The problem is, I didn’t stop to take it in, so I didn’t get to feel the emotions I should be feeling and to start to process what was going on.

Then this week I started my new job.

I say new job, it’s the same job I’ve had for the last 8 months but I’ve just got a permanent contract working slightly different days.

So I go in for my first day of my official permanent job still feeling a complete mess from the events of last weekend.

Over the course of the week I have began to feel better, but there is something else going on too.

I am glad this is an anonymous blog because I’m not really ready to share this with people I know yet, especially because we don’t have a full picture of what is going on,

My husband and I want a family but we came to realise that we might not be able to have children.

We decided to have some tests done and although we haven’t seen a doctor for the results yet we know there is something wrong.

We don’t know what or how serious the issue is but we know now that there is likely to be a reason why we will struggle to have a family.

The thing that scares me is that it might not be a possibility at all. This itself feels like we are losing out. 

On a possible future we could have.

On the lives we could have created and the things we could provide to make their lives the best they could be.

I know we don’t know for sure yet and I know things might work out ok.

I just feel like I’m mourning right now.

Both for the loss of my grandpa, a solid family figure who has been here my whole life, and for the possible loss of my potential children, a future which I dream of.

Sorry to complain and to only write when things aren’t going right, but that’s the time when I need to share.

I know that some of what I have written about is uncertain and you may think I shouldn’t worry without the facts, but I can’t help the thoughts from creeping in.

I think I am going to take some time out in my safe place with my compassionate image and try and process everything that is happening right now.

I know how important it is to remember my therapy, and the tools it has taught me, when times are challenging.

Advertisements
Loss.

Meeting with my nurse. 

Today I saw my nurse, it’s been a few weeks and she just wanted to check in with me.

I forgot I had the appointment and woke up late so that wasn’t a great start and I didn’t feel quite myself when I got there.

She discussed the topic of me having children again, I’ve kind of got used to the idea that it’s going to be a couple of years but she said that she had seen in my notes from my therapist that I was quite upset about it. I had forgotten how upset I was at the time, so it made me think on it again, am I really ok with it? It doesn’t matter really, I don’t have a choice, my fiance will listen to what my psychiatrist said and won’t budge even if I think I’m ready.

Then she brought out my care plan, we need to change it as it hasn’t been reviewed since September and I have improved greatly since then.

My care plan gave a description of my conditions; and I got upset.

It says I have a diagnosis of bulimia nervosa/binge eating disorder and a background of emotionally unstable personality traits secondary to depressive symptoms.

I didn’t realise my eating disorder had been diagnosed as that, I thought I had EDNOS as I cycle between binging, binging and purging, and restriction; this unsettled me as I felt like I don’t know what I am dealing with. 

Secondly the diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality disorder, I thought I had borderline personality disorder, so I felt like I don’t understand what this means anymore. She then explained that they are the same thing. 

But. It’s the word traits that bothers me, I was so convinced that I had the disorder and not just the traits, now I feel like I have been lying to people about what is wrong with me. Have I made people believe I am worse than I am? But I am poorly, I know I am, am I just not poorly enough? It makes me question myself and what other people will think of me now.

After reading about borderline personality disorder everything matched up, I could relate to all of it, now I find out I’m not considered to have it I’m just so confused.

I cried, I cried in front of my nurse because I feel like I have lost part of my identity. Is that silly? Should I be happy that they don’t think it’s so serious? I want to know who I am though, and what’s wrong with me.

I need answers, and I did think I had found them, now I feel lost and like I don’t understand anymore.

Meeting with my nurse. 

Happy moment.

Another little happy moment this morning.

I am at my mums house ready to take her to the doctors and then on to the hospital to see my sister, she doesn’t drive you see.
My mum has a dog, he was mine when I lived at home but at my mums house someone is there most of the time which I can’t give him at my house.

He really loves me and that makes me feel good.

Here is a little snap of him this morning.

My lovely little baby.

He makes me happy.

Happy moment.

Morning!

Today I’m starting my day with green tea in a Harry Potter mug, this makes me happy.

I’m having toast too, but that’s boring compared to Harry Potter.

I wanted to give myself a happy start to the day because today I’m going to visit my sister in hospital.

She has been there on and off since before Christmas.

What started as a physical complaint has now become mental and the last time I saw her she said only 3 words to me.

So I’m prepared for today to be a challenge.

Just wanted to share my little moment of happiness 🙂

Morning!

My monkey.

One of the techniques we work on in therapy is self soothing. I use this to avoid over eating.

I am meant to find a soother that is an alternative to food.

Sometimes it’s a cup of tea, sometimes is a long bath, sometimes it’s losing myself in favourite music.

My favourite self soother though is a hug.

Hugs are safe and warm and cosy. 

There isn’t always someone around that you can get a hug from though, that’s where my monkey comes in.

Monkey is a Christmas present from my fiance. He is my favourite Christmas present, and I can utilise him for my self soothing.

This is monkey.

He is just a large cuddly toy but he helps to soothe me.

He is cuddly and fluffy and he feels safe.

I can hug him, hold him, sleep next to him. It’s really useful when I’m home alone.

Last night my fiance was out so I went to bed next to my monkey, it comforted me enough to get me to sleep quickly.

I am glad I’ve found another self soother and that it isn’t harmful or dangerous to me.

Even better that it was a Christmas present from my fiance so major points to him for that!

I just find it really comforting and helpful to me, I’d be interested to hear if anyone else has any self soothing suggestions? Always useful to learn more 🙂

My monkey.

What blogging means to me. 

I only started blogging this year. I hadn’t really tried it before and I wasn’t sure if a) I would like it, and b) I would be any good at it.

I decided to give it a try, my therapist had previously asked me if I’d considered speaking about mental health because she said she thought I had a good story to tell. I thought about it and decided I did want to share my story, but I wanted to do it anonymously, so I decided to try blogging.

I’ve only been going for a few weeks but I am really enjoying it.

I like reading other people’s posts and learning things about people and what they have been through. It gives me the chance to read stories that people wouldn’t normally tell, and to tell stories that I wouldn’t if people knew my identity. It let’s me speak about other people in my life without fear of people knowing who they are and casting judgement on them.

It let’s me learn things that I never knew and discover different coping mechanisms that can be used when you are recovering from a mental illness.

It let’s me see people at different stages in their journey and see that there is hope, and it let’s me reflect back on how far I have come.

I now love to write, I don’t know if I’m much good at it, but it helps me so much that I don’t mind if I’m not! 

When something happens now that I find mentally challenging I start to write a post in my mind, and then I can’t wait to sit down and share it with you.

It calms me down and lets me reflect on things before I react in the wrong way, and it gives my fiance a break because I’m not as emotionally dependant on him, I am learning to handle things by myself.

Blogging lets me interact with people I would probably never meet and it allows me to feel like part of a community full of people with lots of stories to tell.

Everyone here has something to share no matter what it’s about and we can support and help each other through things.

Everytime I write a post I wonder what people will think and if they will like it; when I see people liking and commenting on my posts it makes me happy that people are there to share these things with and that I have discovered another safe place where I can tell my story.

I didn’t expect to find it as useful as I am doing, but I am so glad that it is helping.

I hope you feel the same about writing and sharing; for me it is something I’m so glad I have found.

What blogging means to me. 

My safe place in pictures.

Today I have been reminiscing about Aber Falls since I posted about it being my safe place so I want to share some of my photos with you.

Firstly there is the waterfall itself. It is beautiful and powerful and I love being there. 

Then there is the scree slope that we climbed. I was petrified.

Next is where we tried to cross the waterfall, we didn’t make it across, it was far too slippery and we didn’t want to fall to our deaths, we were very high up!

The one is on our descent from the scree slope right near the falls. I love the sound of the water crashing down. 

Lastly, a picture from further around the walk where the falls and mountains can be seen in the distance. I find it so beautiful.

I do love this place.

I hope you can see why, it is truly stunning.

My safe place in pictures.