I have been feeling pretty stable lately.

I am working full time, I get to see my friends when our schedules allow, and I’d say that in my life is going in a good direction.

I’ve got a couple of things going on right now though, and they are causing me some problems.

Firstly I lost my grandpa last weekend, I was at work when I found out. My husband didn’t want to tell me until I got home, he thought it would be best for me to get work out of the way and then sit me down when I am at home and tell me. Someone else got the news to me though and it shocked me. 

I knew he wasn’t in great health but I don’t think you ever expect the news.

I left work and went to see my family, to help where I could and to provide support. The problem is, I didn’t stop to take it in, so I didn’t get to feel the emotions I should be feeling and to start to process what was going on.

Then this week I started my new job.

I say new job, it’s the same job I’ve had for the last 8 months but I’ve just got a permanent contract working slightly different days.

So I go in for my first day of my official permanent job still feeling a complete mess from the events of last weekend.

Over the course of the week I have began to feel better, but there is something else going on too.

I am glad this is an anonymous blog because I’m not really ready to share this with people I know yet, especially because we don’t have a full picture of what is going on,

My husband and I want a family but we came to realise that we might not be able to have children.

We decided to have some tests done and although we haven’t seen a doctor for the results yet we know there is something wrong.

We don’t know what or how serious the issue is but we know now that there is likely to be a reason why we will struggle to have a family.

The thing that scares me is that it might not be a possibility at all. This itself feels like we are losing out. 

On a possible future we could have.

On the lives we could have created and the things we could provide to make their lives the best they could be.

I know we don’t know for sure yet and I know things might work out ok.

I just feel like I’m mourning right now.

Both for the loss of my grandpa, a solid family figure who has been here my whole life, and for the possible loss of my potential children, a future which I dream of.

Sorry to complain and to only write when things aren’t going right, but that’s the time when I need to share.

I know that some of what I have written about is uncertain and you may think I shouldn’t worry without the facts, but I can’t help the thoughts from creeping in.

I think I am going to take some time out in my safe place with my compassionate image and try and process everything that is happening right now.

I know how important it is to remember my therapy, and the tools it has taught me, when times are challenging.


What blogging means to me. 

I only started blogging this year. I hadn’t really tried it before and I wasn’t sure if a) I would like it, and b) I would be any good at it.

I decided to give it a try, my therapist had previously asked me if I’d considered speaking about mental health because she said she thought I had a good story to tell. I thought about it and decided I did want to share my story, but I wanted to do it anonymously, so I decided to try blogging.

I’ve only been going for a few weeks but I am really enjoying it.

I like reading other people’s posts and learning things about people and what they have been through. It gives me the chance to read stories that people wouldn’t normally tell, and to tell stories that I wouldn’t if people knew my identity. It let’s me speak about other people in my life without fear of people knowing who they are and casting judgement on them.

It let’s me learn things that I never knew and discover different coping mechanisms that can be used when you are recovering from a mental illness.

It let’s me see people at different stages in their journey and see that there is hope, and it let’s me reflect back on how far I have come.

I now love to write, I don’t know if I’m much good at it, but it helps me so much that I don’t mind if I’m not! 

When something happens now that I find mentally challenging I start to write a post in my mind, and then I can’t wait to sit down and share it with you.

It calms me down and lets me reflect on things before I react in the wrong way, and it gives my fiance a break because I’m not as emotionally dependant on him, I am learning to handle things by myself.

Blogging lets me interact with people I would probably never meet and it allows me to feel like part of a community full of people with lots of stories to tell.

Everyone here has something to share no matter what it’s about and we can support and help each other through things.

Everytime I write a post I wonder what people will think and if they will like it; when I see people liking and commenting on my posts it makes me happy that people are there to share these things with and that I have discovered another safe place where I can tell my story.

I didn’t expect to find it as useful as I am doing, but I am so glad that it is helping.

I hope you feel the same about writing and sharing; for me it is something I’m so glad I have found.

What blogging means to me. 

Sharing my story 

Writing really helps me.

It allows me to get my emotions and feelings out in a safe way.

I may not be very good and it and it may not make perfect sense or mean anything to other people but I find it therapeutic. 

My therapist recommended it to me, she said I had a good story to tell, and I will tell it, in another post sometime, I will write about my childhood and what I believe led me down the path which I took which has led me to be where I am today.

When I am writing sometimes I lose track of what I am saying, my words all mix into one, I get jumbled and my mind races ahead of the words that I am writing.

I have so much to say and I can’t type as fast as I can think of it.

My teachers always said that was my trouble, my mind worked too quickly and I missed off the ends of words when I was writing stories because my mind was racing ahead too fast for my hand to keep up.

So as much as I think my writing can be a bit of a mess and it may not make much sense to other people I will continue to write.

I find it helpful and maybe it will mean something to someone else.

Sharing your story can really help, both you and the people who are reading it.

I hope that someone reading this will be able to make sense of my words and the meaning behind them.

Find something that works for you and utilise it.

For me, for now, that is writing to share my story with others.

Here’s to many more posts.

Sharing my story