Loss.

I have been feeling pretty stable lately.

I am working full time, I get to see my friends when our schedules allow, and I’d say that in my life is going in a good direction.

I’ve got a couple of things going on right now though, and they are causing me some problems.

Firstly I lost my grandpa last weekend, I was at work when I found out. My husband didn’t want to tell me until I got home, he thought it would be best for me to get work out of the way and then sit me down when I am at home and tell me. Someone else got the news to me though and it shocked me. 

I knew he wasn’t in great health but I don’t think you ever expect the news.

I left work and went to see my family, to help where I could and to provide support. The problem is, I didn’t stop to take it in, so I didn’t get to feel the emotions I should be feeling and to start to process what was going on.

Then this week I started my new job.

I say new job, it’s the same job I’ve had for the last 8 months but I’ve just got a permanent contract working slightly different days.

So I go in for my first day of my official permanent job still feeling a complete mess from the events of last weekend.

Over the course of the week I have began to feel better, but there is something else going on too.

I am glad this is an anonymous blog because I’m not really ready to share this with people I know yet, especially because we don’t have a full picture of what is going on,

My husband and I want a family but we came to realise that we might not be able to have children.

We decided to have some tests done and although we haven’t seen a doctor for the results yet we know there is something wrong.

We don’t know what or how serious the issue is but we know now that there is likely to be a reason why we will struggle to have a family.

The thing that scares me is that it might not be a possibility at all. This itself feels like we are losing out. 

On a possible future we could have.

On the lives we could have created and the things we could provide to make their lives the best they could be.

I know we don’t know for sure yet and I know things might work out ok.

I just feel like I’m mourning right now.

Both for the loss of my grandpa, a solid family figure who has been here my whole life, and for the possible loss of my potential children, a future which I dream of.

Sorry to complain and to only write when things aren’t going right, but that’s the time when I need to share.

I know that some of what I have written about is uncertain and you may think I shouldn’t worry without the facts, but I can’t help the thoughts from creeping in.

I think I am going to take some time out in my safe place with my compassionate image and try and process everything that is happening right now.

I know how important it is to remember my therapy, and the tools it has taught me, when times are challenging.

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Loss.

My safe place in pictures.

Today I have been reminiscing about Aber Falls since I posted about it being my safe place so I want to share some of my photos with you.

Firstly there is the waterfall itself. It is beautiful and powerful and I love being there. 

Then there is the scree slope that we climbed. I was petrified.

Next is where we tried to cross the waterfall, we didn’t make it across, it was far too slippery and we didn’t want to fall to our deaths, we were very high up!

The one is on our descent from the scree slope right near the falls. I love the sound of the water crashing down. 

Lastly, a picture from further around the walk where the falls and mountains can be seen in the distance. I find it so beautiful.

I do love this place.

I hope you can see why, it is truly stunning.

My safe place in pictures.

Safe place.

In therapy one of the things I have worked on is using a safe place when I am feeling anxious or I am in an uncomfortable situation.

I had to close my eyes and imagine somewhere that felt safe to me, it could be somewhere I had been or it could be made up. I had to think about what I can see, what I can hear, if I can feel anything, what smells there are and focus on the feelings that I felt in that place.

As soon as I was told to think of a safe place I knew exactly where it would be. It’s somewhere I have been a few times and it has a special meaning to me for many reasons.

It is in Wales, me and my fiance went on our first holiday together in Wales (I had never been before) and we have been back every year, sometimes twice a year. We have walked for miles, climbed mountains, ran around the Great Orme, and generally just enjoyed ourselves, but my safe place is more specific than a country.

In Wales there is a village called Abergwyngregyn. In this village there is a walk that leads to a waterfall. The two of us went walking here the first time on our first holiday in Wales. We followed the path that led to the falls and when we arrived the sound of the falls was incredible, that water was falling so fast and creating loads of spray as it hit the rocks. I was in awe.

So Aber Falls is my safe place, it was the first place I saw a waterfall, the first place I tackled a scree slope and did some scrambling, the first place I tried to cross the top of a waterfall and the first place I ever felt I had conquer a big climb up a massive hill (I always think of it as a small mountain).

It is also the place we got engaged; he told me he had a present for me when we reached the bench at the top of my mini mountain, I really wanted to get engaged and I really hoped that would be my present, but it wasn’t. He presented me with my teams football shirt, I was a bit disappointed that it wasn’t a ring but it was a lovely gift, he told me to turn it round and look at the back, here he had got his surname printed, I moved the shirt to look at him confused and there he was, on one knee holding the most beautiful ring. I was overwhelmed.

So obviously this place holds many happy memories for me.

I can imagine the spray from that waterfall, I can smell the sheep, I can see the sun shining through the sheets of rain. It was too powerful not to use it as my safe place.

I also have a special tool that is used when my safe place isn’t enough, it is like a key moment in your safe place, for me I look back to the moment we got engaged and the feelings I felt.

I really love my safe place and I can’t wait to go back for our honeymoon.

Safe place.