Is it really unfair?

I have just had a bit of a meltdown. 

We get married in just over a week, I’m excited and everything is planned.

My fiance just tried on his trousers and has told me they are getting tight. He says he must have gained some weight.

He is over 6 foot and weighs around 11 stone he is actually really thin. If he’s gained any weight it will only be a few pounds. Yet he is now in an awful mood, and tells me all he wants to do is to go for a run.

I feel like this is really unfair for me to have to hear. 

He knows I am in recovery from an eating disorder and that the behaviour he is exhibiting is exactly what I would have done when I was poorly.

He knows I am not allowed to react like that anymore because my therapist keeps an eye on my weight and the amount of exercise I’m doing.

He knows I’ve gained at least a stone in the last few months and I am struggling with that yet I can’t go out and exercise when I realise I’m gaining weight because I’m not allowed to compensate because it encourages my disorder.

He knows all this and yet he stands in front of me and tells me it has ruined his mood.

For him, someone of a healthy weight, to gain a few pounds and still be a perfectly healthy weight, yet be annoyed about this is really difficult for me. He says it’s because the trousers don’t fit but I told him I don’t believe this. I know that if he gained the weight anyway he would be annoyed, and he basically admitted that was true.

It’s really unfair that he tells me not to compensate for weight gain and to be happy the way I am and that I need to love myself and not worry if I’ve gained a little bit of weight, yet he feels that he is OK to get really annoyed over a small gain that still leaves him perfectly healthy.

I am really hurt and I can’t stop crying.

How can he be judging himself for gaining weight when he claims not to judge me when I do the same.

He must be quietly judging me, watching me this whole time I’ve regained the weight that I managed to lose. I am overweight now, in fact I think I am clinically obese.

He has really brought a lot into question for me, I really don’t know how I’m meant to be OK with myself anymore.

It has brought up loads of things that I thought I had buried. 

Am I wrong in saying it’s unfair for him to act like that?

I want him to be able to talk to me about anything.

But I am still recovering. 

I don’t feel like it’s fair for him to behave in a way that I would be told off for.

He even admitted that if I said I was going for a run because I gained weight then he wouldn’t be OK with that, because I had an eating disorder.

I think a lot of people have eating disordered behaviours though, and I think he is one of them. Just because he doesn’t admit it doesn’t mean he is using it in a way that is any different to the way in which I would use it.

This time I don’t think he is being fair to me.

It doesn’t feel fair.

Is it really unfair?

I am so caught up in you.

In every way I am caught up in you.

Physically, mentally, emotionally.

We are connected and tied together.

Physically we become entangled, last night we were in bed, falling asleep wrapped up in one another, my legs were wrapped around yours, our fingers were intertwined. We were like one being. Sharing our all with each other.

Mentally you amaze me. I love talking to you, hearing your view on the world, your perspective on situations. Witnessing your intelligence. When we first met we talked for hours about anything and everything. You capture my attention always.

Emotionally I am so reliant on you. You support me and encourage me to challenge negatives emotions. You cause me to feel positive emotion and to recognise what I’m feeling and enjoy it.

I am so caught up in you, in every single way.

I love you.

I am so caught up in you.

How mental health has affected my work

For a long time after I got ill I couldn’t work.

I first noticed I was poorly when I was in tears every day on my way to work and when I spoke to a doctor they signed me off work for a couple of weeks.

I hoped to get better in this time but if anything I found myself getting worse, struggling to even get out of bed somedays, and when the time came to return to work I just wasn’t in a fit state so I got signed off again.

This pattern continued for over 6 months until my job had to let me go.

It was a relief in some ways to not have the pressure on me to recover quickly and get back into my normal life, it gave me some time to breathe and focus on recovery for myself not for the pressures of daily life.

After another few months I felt much better and found myself a job, very quickly however I found I was struggling with the negative thoughts again and I often found myself in tears in front of my coworkers. Once again I had to give up work.

Then an opportunity came up at my old place of work, I thought it would be great, somewhere familiar doing a job that I know I am good at, also my fiance works there and I thought having him around would make things easier when the negativity starts to creep in again.

So I found myself back in my old job surrounded by familiar faces and with my rock there to support me.

I have been there for 3 months now and I’m feeling good about it, I’ve had days where I want to give up and go home and sleep all day but I haven’t succumbed to those feelings.

The thing that I struggle with most in the job is having my partner around. As supportive as he is sometimes his presence allows me to be weaker than I should be and to rely on him when I should be supporting myself.

Also I have incredibly bad jealously and I find myself watching him talking to other people and imagining that he’s thinking and saying all sorts of things. The thing is I know above all else that he never would do anything to hurt me or to disrespect me in front of another person. He is too good, too kind, too loving to do those things, yet my mind races.

However, I am learning to challenge these thoughts that I have and to reassure myself that he isn’t doing anything wrong.

Some people may think it’s a mistake working with a partner, especially when you can be as unstable as I am but I really enjoy it when my mind isn’t dreaming up stupid scenarios.

Sometimes I just catch sight of him doing something, anything, and I just feel a massive surge of love for him. 

Spending so much time with one person can be a bad thing but I find that it gives me more opportunities to be reminded of just how much I love him, and for us, at least, it works.

So my working life appears to be back on track so that’s something to check off my list when I’m looking at my progress in recovery.

It’s still very much a wait and see situation, but for now I am pretty happy.

How mental health has affected my work

How my mental health tried to ruin my relationship

I met my husband to be at work, I knew straight away that I really liked him and after speaking to him for only a few moments I knew I wanted to get to know him better.

4 months later and we were a couple.

10 months after this we bought our first house.

Life was going great, really great, I had everything I wanted and I was only 22.

One year on and I fall apart mentally. I am a complete mess. Yet he stands by me, doesn’t even question whether I’m worth it or if he wants to deal with this, he just does it.

A few months later whilst I’m still strongly being grasped by this monster and he proposes to me, on our 2 year anniversary and in our favourite place he gets down on one knee and in the perfect way asks me to marry him.

I couldn’t have been happier, despite everything he wanted this to work, for us to be together for our whole lives in sickness and in health. Suddenly my world seemed so much brighter, I was sure this was it, all it would take to drag me out of the dark hole that had consumed my life for what felt like forever (as it always does when you are in the centre of it).

Then a few days later I started to sink again, I wasn’t better I had just been on a massive high and I was about to come crashing down.

The months that followed were pretty bad, I wanted to plan a wedding and he wouldn’t let me because I was off work sick and had very little income, also he didn’t want me to get married when I wasn’t feeling my best as he thought I would look back on it with regret, in hindsight I can categorically say that he was correct. At the time however it was like a dagger to my heart, being told that I couldn’t do the thing I desired most; to plan the wedding that will lead to me spending the rest of my life with this incredible human being.

My moods were very unstable, most of the time I was at a massive low and barely able to function, I kept clinging on to this hope that planning the wedding would make me better, give me something to focus on; and yet he wouldn’t let me do it, why wouldn’t he let me do it? I asked myself again and again.

Yet, I kept getting worse. I was self harming and threatening suicide, I packed my bags and left numerous times, pushing him away because I felt so low and so confused and I didn’t know what to do.

Looking back I can’t believe I did these things, he is the one solid thing I have in my life, not only do I love him immeasurable amounts but I also really need him, and yet I left, and I did it multiple times; never for long, only half an hour but I still put him through that pain and gave him that fear that I may not return.

So life got pretty tough; as I was on the cusp of getting everything I’d ever wanted I was trying to destroy it all without even thinking about it.

Luckily I managed to improve and these things that I struggled with are no longer a daily occurrence, in fact it’s been a very long time since I hurt myself or hurt him by causing arguments or leaving; but it did happen at one time and I regret that very much.

The thing is it feels like a never ending journey and you don’t see any way out, but that’s not the case. It is a journey, very much so, but the pain does end and the bad things that are happening are temporary and with the right help and support you can overcome anything.

So here I stand now, less than 3 months away from our wedding day, stronger than ever as both a person and within my relationship. By some miracle I didn’t lose the love of my life, and he continues to stand by my side, proud to say I am his despite the terrible things that I have done to him.

He makes me feel worthy and he reminds me every day that I have every reason to stay strong and continue this journey that I am on.

One day I hope to reach a place where I am as close to fully recovered as you can be, and I will look back on the bad times and be thankful for all the things I have learned by travelling through that place and time.

My mental health is a journey, but one that I am excited to continue as I can feel myself getting stronger and learning to draw on more tools that I can utilise to make my recovery easier, day by day.

This is one of the reasons that I have started to write, it gives me a really good outlet and sharing my experiences (albeit anonymously) makes me feel like I can show people that things do change, you can get better and you shouldn’t carry an enormous guilt for the things you do when you aren’t yourself.

You are trying to get better and no one can ask any more of you than that.

How my mental health tried to ruin my relationship