What do I share?

I am seeing a friend today.

I haven’t seen her for a few weeks and although we have been in touch I haven’t filled her in on what’s been happening in my life just because I’d rather do it in person.

I have some good news for her, but I have bad news too.

I don’t know how much I should be sharing though.

Following on from last nights post, me and my husband are struggling to talk about what is going on. He wants to wait until we know for sure before we discuss our options and our feelings about it, but I have things I’m feeling now that I need to share with someone.

He has agreed that I can tell my friend about the possible problem, but I worry if I should be sharing it. 

Should it be just our business for now?

But then if he doesn’t want to talk about it then I need someone to talk to and who better than my best friend.

Aside from that though I have some good news. 

I just got the job I’ve been hoping to get for the last 8 months. I was doing maternity cover and a full time position for the same job, with different days, came up and I got it!

So now I am feeling a lot more secure, and I am so pleased to say I have held down a full time job for so long considering where I was only months before I got the job.

As well as this I went to see a doctor the other day, not my psychiatrist, I am seeing them next month.

I have been getting dizzy and headaches and wondered if it could be my tablets, she said she couldn’t say but she was interested in the tablets I am on, she said one of them is fine but she doesn’t like using the other one long term. So we made the decision to start reducing one of the tablets, by one tablet every 2 weeks until I am off it, as long as I feel ok whilst I am doing it.

I am so happy that she feels I am in a good enough place to do this and that it means that I can have confidence in the progress I have made.

It’s only been a week since I started reducing my dose but I don’t feel noticeably different which I’m hoping is a good sign.

So today I am happy to share my good news but unsure of where I stand with my other news; it is important to share but I need to make sure that I don’t say or do anything that could lead to someone else feeling unhappy or uncomfortable.

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What do I share?

Loss.

I have been feeling pretty stable lately.

I am working full time, I get to see my friends when our schedules allow, and I’d say that in my life is going in a good direction.

I’ve got a couple of things going on right now though, and they are causing me some problems.

Firstly I lost my grandpa last weekend, I was at work when I found out. My husband didn’t want to tell me until I got home, he thought it would be best for me to get work out of the way and then sit me down when I am at home and tell me. Someone else got the news to me though and it shocked me. 

I knew he wasn’t in great health but I don’t think you ever expect the news.

I left work and went to see my family, to help where I could and to provide support. The problem is, I didn’t stop to take it in, so I didn’t get to feel the emotions I should be feeling and to start to process what was going on.

Then this week I started my new job.

I say new job, it’s the same job I’ve had for the last 8 months but I’ve just got a permanent contract working slightly different days.

So I go in for my first day of my official permanent job still feeling a complete mess from the events of last weekend.

Over the course of the week I have began to feel better, but there is something else going on too.

I am glad this is an anonymous blog because I’m not really ready to share this with people I know yet, especially because we don’t have a full picture of what is going on,

My husband and I want a family but we came to realise that we might not be able to have children.

We decided to have some tests done and although we haven’t seen a doctor for the results yet we know there is something wrong.

We don’t know what or how serious the issue is but we know now that there is likely to be a reason why we will struggle to have a family.

The thing that scares me is that it might not be a possibility at all. This itself feels like we are losing out. 

On a possible future we could have.

On the lives we could have created and the things we could provide to make their lives the best they could be.

I know we don’t know for sure yet and I know things might work out ok.

I just feel like I’m mourning right now.

Both for the loss of my grandpa, a solid family figure who has been here my whole life, and for the possible loss of my potential children, a future which I dream of.

Sorry to complain and to only write when things aren’t going right, but that’s the time when I need to share.

I know that some of what I have written about is uncertain and you may think I shouldn’t worry without the facts, but I can’t help the thoughts from creeping in.

I think I am going to take some time out in my safe place with my compassionate image and try and process everything that is happening right now.

I know how important it is to remember my therapy, and the tools it has taught me, when times are challenging.

Loss.

Current mood – unknown

At the moment I am very up and down.

One minute I’m on the verge of tears and the next I’m bouncing up and down.

I don’t know where this has come from or why it is happening.

I know I’m not bipolar because my psychiatrist ruled that out pretty early on, but my moods do just jump up and down.

I guess this is my emotionally unstable personality disorder, does what it says really, my emotions are incredibly unstable.

The thing is, I had been holding it together so well, and now it feels like it’s all slipping.

Despite all the therapy and the tools I have learned I just can’t see to get a grip on it.

I think that’s because I don’t know where it’s coming from.

If someone had upset me I could address that issue.

If I wasn’t sleeping enough I could try and adjust.

Yet I don’t know what is causing this disruption, so how am I meant to tackle it.

Maybe I need to slow down, but when I do I completely stop, there’s no half way for me. It’s all or nothing.

If I have nothing to do, I will do nothing.

I need to keep busy but I don’t need to run myself down. It’s difficult finding a balance though.

I just wish I knew what I needed to get back on even ground.

I’m fed up of the highs and lows.

I would love to just be level.

Current mood – unknown

Trying to stay healthy.

When I say healthy I mean mentally healthy.

I’ve been a bit quiet for the past few days.

I am starting to struggle a little bit.

Working full time and not really resting on my days off is starting to take its toll.

I have noticed my mood starting to come down a little bit and my stress and anxiety levels rising.

Maybe it is just because the wedding is coming up so soon, but I don’t think so, I have been pretty calm about the whole thing because I have planned it pretty well and have got everything under control.

I think it is the weight of responsibilty.

Being responsible for my work.

Being responsible for visiting my sister.

Just being more responsible than I have had to be for a while.

Maybe I have taken on too much but I felt I needed to try and get back to normal.

I enjoy work and wouldn’t want to give it up. It fills my day and distracts me, but you need your weekend.

My weekends are currently spent in the gym (me time) or visiting my sister (which is a full day commitment).

I want to see my sister but it is becoming a lot for me to handle.

I feel like I just need a bit of a break somewhere.

Trying to stay healthy.

Mini meltdown. 

Following the news last night I had a complete meltdown.

I tried to talk it through with my fiance but I just couldn’t make the points I was trying to make.

I was a mess.

I spent a lot of time crying.

I haven’t been like that for a long time.

I wanted a hug, I just wanted him to pull me in and hug me and calm me down,, but he thought I was mad at him so he tried to talk to me but I just went silent.

I do that when I’m upset, I just go quiet and won’t interact.

I wouldn’t touch him, speak to him, I even left the room and just sat in the bathroom.

When I was in bed I pushed myself as far away from him as I could get, to the pint where I was hanging out of bed.

I do this, I do the opposite of what I want.

I wanted to be close to him so I put ad much distance between us as I possibly can.

I woke up this morning feeling numb.

I gave up so much emotion last night that I felt like I had nothing left.

Then he said something that upset me and I cried some more. Like a lot. I couldn’t control it. He said that when I get like that he just feels like he wants me to f*uck off. That hurt.

I can’t help it when I am like that.

I lose control.

My emotions are all over the place.

My mind is somewhere else.

I create a situation that I don’t want to be in.

He made me feel like he just can’t be bothered with me when I am at my worst.

I felt better as the day went on. I got on with work and my mood picked up.

I know he didn’t mean to hurt me but I need a lot of support when I am like that.

I need someone to look after me when I am actively trying to hurt myself (not psychically on this occasion).

I just can’t believe I lost it so badly over something so insignificant to so many people, but to me it was huge.

I’m just glad I’ve managed to pull it back today.

It’s so draining fighting with yourself.

Mini meltdown. 

Why does good news feel like bad news?

We have just found out that my fiance’s cousin is pregnant.

That is great news, really it is, I am so happy for them.

Then my emotions kick in.

All I want is a baby, I have wanted one for as long as I remember, I want my own little family.

So we hear the news and my initial reaction is happiness, then a few seconds later I feel sick, I want to cry, I am so incredibly jealous of what they are about to experience, the possibilities that are so close for them now.

Why do I feel this way?

Why can’t I just be happy for them?

I wish I could but I can’t fight down the feelings that I am having.

There is tightness in my chest, my heart is beating fast and I feel sick and tearful.

I wish I didn’t have to feel like this.

I just want to be happy for them.

Why does good news feel like bad news?

Night time fears.

I’m not scared of the dark.

I’m scared of what’s in the dark.

I struggle at night time, I need a lot of sleep because my tablets are sedatives but I don’t really like going to sleep. I’m on my own when I’m asleep and it gives me a sense of being abandoned.

When I was really poorly going to sleep was the worst time for me. I’d often kick off and throw tantrums, I needed constant attention and to be watched to make sure I wasn’t harming myself.

I am past that stage now but I still struggle with some things at night time.

Firstly I have a fear of being in the dark in the bathroom. I always leave the bathroom and then reach in to turn the light off. I’m scared that there is something in the mirror that will get me in the dark. I only worry about the bathroom mirror, the one in the bedroom doesn’t bother me. I don’t know why.

Then there’s my other fear. I often wake up in the middle of the night feeling like someone is standing over me. I have to open my eyes and turn over to check that someone isn’t actually there. I try and convince myself that there isn’t anyone and avoid actually checking but I can’t appease my anxiety until I have double checked.

I think this fear comes from a ‘vision’ or ‘nightmare’ I had when I was young. I’d just watched an episode of a soap and someone had died or killed someone. In the middle of the night I woke up (or thought I did) and I saw them standing in my door way, just the silhouette of them as the landing light was behind them. I always remember seeing this and after that I always had to sleep with my bedroom door closed.

I think maybe that stuck with me. Yet I only started seeing it again since I’ve been poorly.

Maybe I’m just more vulnerable to thoughts like that nowadays.

It is scary though, that feeling that someone is there. Watching you. With the potential to hurt you. 

It really does scare me.

So here I go again, off to sleep, with that fear hanging over me that tonight, again, I will awake to that familiar feeling that something isn’t right and I am in immediate danger.

I can’t really talk to my fiance about it because once I got so scared I had to sleep with the light on and he thought I was making it up because I’d never told him about it before.

I guess I just didn’t want him to think I was crazy.

Am I crazy? Or am I just a bit of a mess?

Night time fears.