Current mood – unknown

At the moment I am very up and down.

One minute I’m on the verge of tears and the next I’m bouncing up and down.

I don’t know where this has come from or why it is happening.

I know I’m not bipolar because my psychiatrist ruled that out pretty early on, but my moods do just jump up and down.

I guess this is my emotionally unstable personality disorder, does what it says really, my emotions are incredibly unstable.

The thing is, I had been holding it together so well, and now it feels like it’s all slipping.

Despite all the therapy and the tools I have learned I just can’t see to get a grip on it.

I think that’s because I don’t know where it’s coming from.

If someone had upset me I could address that issue.

If I wasn’t sleeping enough I could try and adjust.

Yet I don’t know what is causing this disruption, so how am I meant to tackle it.

Maybe I need to slow down, but when I do I completely stop, there’s no half way for me. It’s all or nothing.

If I have nothing to do, I will do nothing.

I need to keep busy but I don’t need to run myself down. It’s difficult finding a balance though.

I just wish I knew what I needed to get back on even ground.

I’m fed up of the highs and lows.

I would love to just be level.

Current mood – unknown

Trying to stay healthy.

When I say healthy I mean mentally healthy.

I’ve been a bit quiet for the past few days.

I am starting to struggle a little bit.

Working full time and not really resting on my days off is starting to take its toll.

I have noticed my mood starting to come down a little bit and my stress and anxiety levels rising.

Maybe it is just because the wedding is coming up so soon, but I don’t think so, I have been pretty calm about the whole thing because I have planned it pretty well and have got everything under control.

I think it is the weight of responsibilty.

Being responsible for my work.

Being responsible for visiting my sister.

Just being more responsible than I have had to be for a while.

Maybe I have taken on too much but I felt I needed to try and get back to normal.

I enjoy work and wouldn’t want to give it up. It fills my day and distracts me, but you need your weekend.

My weekends are currently spent in the gym (me time) or visiting my sister (which is a full day commitment).

I want to see my sister but it is becoming a lot for me to handle.

I feel like I just need a bit of a break somewhere.

Trying to stay healthy.

Mini meltdown. 

Following the news last night I had a complete meltdown.

I tried to talk it through with my fiance but I just couldn’t make the points I was trying to make.

I was a mess.

I spent a lot of time crying.

I haven’t been like that for a long time.

I wanted a hug, I just wanted him to pull me in and hug me and calm me down,, but he thought I was mad at him so he tried to talk to me but I just went silent.

I do that when I’m upset, I just go quiet and won’t interact.

I wouldn’t touch him, speak to him, I even left the room and just sat in the bathroom.

When I was in bed I pushed myself as far away from him as I could get, to the pint where I was hanging out of bed.

I do this, I do the opposite of what I want.

I wanted to be close to him so I put ad much distance between us as I possibly can.

I woke up this morning feeling numb.

I gave up so much emotion last night that I felt like I had nothing left.

Then he said something that upset me and I cried some more. Like a lot. I couldn’t control it. He said that when I get like that he just feels like he wants me to f*uck off. That hurt.

I can’t help it when I am like that.

I lose control.

My emotions are all over the place.

My mind is somewhere else.

I create a situation that I don’t want to be in.

He made me feel like he just can’t be bothered with me when I am at my worst.

I felt better as the day went on. I got on with work and my mood picked up.

I know he didn’t mean to hurt me but I need a lot of support when I am like that.

I need someone to look after me when I am actively trying to hurt myself (not psychically on this occasion).

I just can’t believe I lost it so badly over something so insignificant to so many people, but to me it was huge.

I’m just glad I’ve managed to pull it back today.

It’s so draining fighting with yourself.

Mini meltdown. 

Why does good news feel like bad news?

We have just found out that my fiance’s cousin is pregnant.

That is great news, really it is, I am so happy for them.

Then my emotions kick in.

All I want is a baby, I have wanted one for as long as I remember, I want my own little family.

So we hear the news and my initial reaction is happiness, then a few seconds later I feel sick, I want to cry, I am so incredibly jealous of what they are about to experience, the possibilities that are so close for them now.

Why do I feel this way?

Why can’t I just be happy for them?

I wish I could but I can’t fight down the feelings that I am having.

There is tightness in my chest, my heart is beating fast and I feel sick and tearful.

I wish I didn’t have to feel like this.

I just want to be happy for them.

Why does good news feel like bad news?

Night time fears.

I’m not scared of the dark.

I’m scared of what’s in the dark.

I struggle at night time, I need a lot of sleep because my tablets are sedatives but I don’t really like going to sleep. I’m on my own when I’m asleep and it gives me a sense of being abandoned.

When I was really poorly going to sleep was the worst time for me. I’d often kick off and throw tantrums, I needed constant attention and to be watched to make sure I wasn’t harming myself.

I am past that stage now but I still struggle with some things at night time.

Firstly I have a fear of being in the dark in the bathroom. I always leave the bathroom and then reach in to turn the light off. I’m scared that there is something in the mirror that will get me in the dark. I only worry about the bathroom mirror, the one in the bedroom doesn’t bother me. I don’t know why.

Then there’s my other fear. I often wake up in the middle of the night feeling like someone is standing over me. I have to open my eyes and turn over to check that someone isn’t actually there. I try and convince myself that there isn’t anyone and avoid actually checking but I can’t appease my anxiety until I have double checked.

I think this fear comes from a ‘vision’ or ‘nightmare’ I had when I was young. I’d just watched an episode of a soap and someone had died or killed someone. In the middle of the night I woke up (or thought I did) and I saw them standing in my door way, just the silhouette of them as the landing light was behind them. I always remember seeing this and after that I always had to sleep with my bedroom door closed.

I think maybe that stuck with me. Yet I only started seeing it again since I’ve been poorly.

Maybe I’m just more vulnerable to thoughts like that nowadays.

It is scary though, that feeling that someone is there. Watching you. With the potential to hurt you. 

It really does scare me.

So here I go again, off to sleep, with that fear hanging over me that tonight, again, I will awake to that familiar feeling that something isn’t right and I am in immediate danger.

I can’t really talk to my fiance about it because once I got so scared I had to sleep with the light on and he thought I was making it up because I’d never told him about it before.

I guess I just didn’t want him to think I was crazy.

Am I crazy? Or am I just a bit of a mess?

Night time fears.

Compassionate letter #4

Hello old friend,

How are you doing?

How is your sister?

She will get better you know, I promise you she will.

I know you are worried about her but you can’t let it rule your life. You need to remain healthy if you are to be of any use to her.

Look after yourself and then you can help to look after her, and the rest of your family. Supporting your mum and dad at what is a challenging time.

Don’t do too much though. It isn’t your responsibility to look after everyone, as much as you think it is. They just need your support, you don’t need to do every little thing for them, they are adults too.

Make time to do what you enjoy and have a break from all the worrying.

It takes time to recover, you of all people know that, given the journey you have been on yourself.

Have patience and good things will come, she will get better, and she will thank you for any support you gave her, she will understand that you couldn’t be there every day, and she will appreciate that you did what you needed to in order for you to remain healthy too.

Don’t be hard on yourself, I know it’s difficult to see someone suffering when you can’t do anything to help them but other people had to do the same when you were ill and you don’t feel resentment towards them for not finding a magic cure, so she won’t feel that towards you. 

You are doing all you can.

Stay strong and look after yourself and everyone else will follow.

With love,

Your compassionate friend. 

Compassionate letter #4

It’s been a long day.

So today I got up at a reasonable time, made myself some tea and breakfast and then headed to my mums house.

I took her to the doctors because she has cellulitis and needs her legs dressed every other day. The appointment lasted an hour and then we popped to the shop to find some sandwiches for lunch.

We then headed to the hospital, it is nearly an hours drive, and I don’t know about most people but I find driving can be quite tiring.

We then got there and went to see my sister. She seems to have improved a bit because she is talking slightly more. They have recently put her on some anti psychotic medication and hopefully it is helping.

It is draining being around someone when they are ill though, I love her dearly and so seeing her being so unlike herself is hard. Trying to talk to someone when they can’t find the words to form a sentence is really difficult to watch.

I feel emotionally drained from putting on a positive face so she can’t see how worried I am about her.

I fear that she won’t be well enough to come to the wedding and as much as I’m excited to be marrying my best friend it will put a cloud over the day if she can’t make it.

Everytime I see her and she isn’t her normal self it really upsets me, I wonder what she must have gone through to put her in this situation; and what she must feel like now that she is living it.

It’s hard watching someone you love suffer, it’s hard watching anyone suffer at all.

I just want to fix her.

Then we had to leave her, leaving her is horrible, she wants to come home badly at the moment so when I got up to leave and gave her a hug she told me in my ear that she wants to come too.

Having to tell her no, and then leave without her, wasn’t nice.

I can’t wait until she is feeling better again.

Then came the drive home. It’s getting dark and there’s a lot of traffic. By the time I dropped my mum off I was really tired.

I’m meant to have netball tonight but I just feel too tired, maybe it would pick me up but I just don’t feel like I’m in the right frame of mind.

I messaged the leader to tell her I’m not coming but I will be back in the next few weeks.

I just can’t wait for my sister to start her recovery, the journey may be long but at some point you will reach your destination.

It’s been a long day.