Is it really unfair?

I have just had a bit of a meltdown. 

We get married in just over a week, I’m excited and everything is planned.

My fiance just tried on his trousers and has told me they are getting tight. He says he must have gained some weight.

He is over 6 foot and weighs around 11 stone he is actually really thin. If he’s gained any weight it will only be a few pounds. Yet he is now in an awful mood, and tells me all he wants to do is to go for a run.

I feel like this is really unfair for me to have to hear. 

He knows I am in recovery from an eating disorder and that the behaviour he is exhibiting is exactly what I would have done when I was poorly.

He knows I am not allowed to react like that anymore because my therapist keeps an eye on my weight and the amount of exercise I’m doing.

He knows I’ve gained at least a stone in the last few months and I am struggling with that yet I can’t go out and exercise when I realise I’m gaining weight because I’m not allowed to compensate because it encourages my disorder.

He knows all this and yet he stands in front of me and tells me it has ruined his mood.

For him, someone of a healthy weight, to gain a few pounds and still be a perfectly healthy weight, yet be annoyed about this is really difficult for me. He says it’s because the trousers don’t fit but I told him I don’t believe this. I know that if he gained the weight anyway he would be annoyed, and he basically admitted that was true.

It’s really unfair that he tells me not to compensate for weight gain and to be happy the way I am and that I need to love myself and not worry if I’ve gained a little bit of weight, yet he feels that he is OK to get really annoyed over a small gain that still leaves him perfectly healthy.

I am really hurt and I can’t stop crying.

How can he be judging himself for gaining weight when he claims not to judge me when I do the same.

He must be quietly judging me, watching me this whole time I’ve regained the weight that I managed to lose. I am overweight now, in fact I think I am clinically obese.

He has really brought a lot into question for me, I really don’t know how I’m meant to be OK with myself anymore.

It has brought up loads of things that I thought I had buried. 

Am I wrong in saying it’s unfair for him to act like that?

I want him to be able to talk to me about anything.

But I am still recovering. 

I don’t feel like it’s fair for him to behave in a way that I would be told off for.

He even admitted that if I said I was going for a run because I gained weight then he wouldn’t be OK with that, because I had an eating disorder.

I think a lot of people have eating disordered behaviours though, and I think he is one of them. Just because he doesn’t admit it doesn’t mean he is using it in a way that is any different to the way in which I would use it.

This time I don’t think he is being fair to me.

It doesn’t feel fair.

Is it really unfair?

Current mood – unknown

At the moment I am very up and down.

One minute I’m on the verge of tears and the next I’m bouncing up and down.

I don’t know where this has come from or why it is happening.

I know I’m not bipolar because my psychiatrist ruled that out pretty early on, but my moods do just jump up and down.

I guess this is my emotionally unstable personality disorder, does what it says really, my emotions are incredibly unstable.

The thing is, I had been holding it together so well, and now it feels like it’s all slipping.

Despite all the therapy and the tools I have learned I just can’t see to get a grip on it.

I think that’s because I don’t know where it’s coming from.

If someone had upset me I could address that issue.

If I wasn’t sleeping enough I could try and adjust.

Yet I don’t know what is causing this disruption, so how am I meant to tackle it.

Maybe I need to slow down, but when I do I completely stop, there’s no half way for me. It’s all or nothing.

If I have nothing to do, I will do nothing.

I need to keep busy but I don’t need to run myself down. It’s difficult finding a balance though.

I just wish I knew what I needed to get back on even ground.

I’m fed up of the highs and lows.

I would love to just be level.

Current mood – unknown

Trying to stay healthy.

When I say healthy I mean mentally healthy.

I’ve been a bit quiet for the past few days.

I am starting to struggle a little bit.

Working full time and not really resting on my days off is starting to take its toll.

I have noticed my mood starting to come down a little bit and my stress and anxiety levels rising.

Maybe it is just because the wedding is coming up so soon, but I don’t think so, I have been pretty calm about the whole thing because I have planned it pretty well and have got everything under control.

I think it is the weight of responsibilty.

Being responsible for my work.

Being responsible for visiting my sister.

Just being more responsible than I have had to be for a while.

Maybe I have taken on too much but I felt I needed to try and get back to normal.

I enjoy work and wouldn’t want to give it up. It fills my day and distracts me, but you need your weekend.

My weekends are currently spent in the gym (me time) or visiting my sister (which is a full day commitment).

I want to see my sister but it is becoming a lot for me to handle.

I feel like I just need a bit of a break somewhere.

Trying to stay healthy.

Mini meltdown. 

Following the news last night I had a complete meltdown.

I tried to talk it through with my fiance but I just couldn’t make the points I was trying to make.

I was a mess.

I spent a lot of time crying.

I haven’t been like that for a long time.

I wanted a hug, I just wanted him to pull me in and hug me and calm me down,, but he thought I was mad at him so he tried to talk to me but I just went silent.

I do that when I’m upset, I just go quiet and won’t interact.

I wouldn’t touch him, speak to him, I even left the room and just sat in the bathroom.

When I was in bed I pushed myself as far away from him as I could get, to the pint where I was hanging out of bed.

I do this, I do the opposite of what I want.

I wanted to be close to him so I put ad much distance between us as I possibly can.

I woke up this morning feeling numb.

I gave up so much emotion last night that I felt like I had nothing left.

Then he said something that upset me and I cried some more. Like a lot. I couldn’t control it. He said that when I get like that he just feels like he wants me to f*uck off. That hurt.

I can’t help it when I am like that.

I lose control.

My emotions are all over the place.

My mind is somewhere else.

I create a situation that I don’t want to be in.

He made me feel like he just can’t be bothered with me when I am at my worst.

I felt better as the day went on. I got on with work and my mood picked up.

I know he didn’t mean to hurt me but I need a lot of support when I am like that.

I need someone to look after me when I am actively trying to hurt myself (not psychically on this occasion).

I just can’t believe I lost it so badly over something so insignificant to so many people, but to me it was huge.

I’m just glad I’ve managed to pull it back today.

It’s so draining fighting with yourself.

Mini meltdown. 

Why does good news feel like bad news?

We have just found out that my fiance’s cousin is pregnant.

That is great news, really it is, I am so happy for them.

Then my emotions kick in.

All I want is a baby, I have wanted one for as long as I remember, I want my own little family.

So we hear the news and my initial reaction is happiness, then a few seconds later I feel sick, I want to cry, I am so incredibly jealous of what they are about to experience, the possibilities that are so close for them now.

Why do I feel this way?

Why can’t I just be happy for them?

I wish I could but I can’t fight down the feelings that I am having.

There is tightness in my chest, my heart is beating fast and I feel sick and tearful.

I wish I didn’t have to feel like this.

I just want to be happy for them.

Why does good news feel like bad news?

Why do I always blame myself?

Whenever anything goes wrong I always assume that I am at fault.

When I was younger it was my parents failed marriage, I blamed myself, what did I do wrong? Why couldn’t they stay together? How did force them apart? Well I didn’t, my dad is gay and was cheating on my mum. Not that I knew that at the time. I don’t blame either of my parents for the break down of the marriage, mum wasn’t to blame and dad had his reasons for doing what he did. He wanted a family and he came from a family where being gay wasn’t an option. Not entirely his fault. I’m not saying what he did was right, I’m just saying I understand why he did it. At the time I was too young to know any of this so I blamed myself.

Then at school I got bullied, sometimes (although not often) it was psychical, I’ve been strangled and smacked over the head with text books, I’ve heard many insults, some aimed at me, some at my family, based on appearance, intelligence, and anything they could pick at. I blamed myself for not being good enough for people to like me.

I tried to kill myself when I was still at school, I took an overdose. My mum found out and shouted at me for wasting her tablets. All my fault. Why didn’t I do something else? Why did I have to be so wasteful in my attempts to free everybody from the misery I was clearly causing.

Then my first boyfriend, treated me awfully to be honest. But I thought I deserved it, he treated me that way because I wasn’t good enough. He looked at other girls because I didn’t give him everything he needed. He hurt me because I wasn’t what I should have been. In the end when he left I decided it because I had never been enough for him and I wasn’t worthy. 

After school I went to university, my tutors told me I couldn’t do what I wanted because I wasn’t smart enough. Again, my fault, why didn’t I work harder, why didn’t I have the skills I needed? Why was I such a failure?

Then a few years later I got poorly, I couldn’t work, I could barely get out of bed, and some days I didn’t. Once again the blame loomed over me. Why couldn’t I just get on with it, just get out of bed and do something! I couldn’t though. Why couldn’t I just stop being a burden? Why was I making everyone around me suffer? Why was I even alive? What is the point in me? All my fault. 



My fault.

Even now, when a friend doesn’t reply to a text, for example, I assume it’s my fault, that I’ve done something wrong. I am always to blame.

Regardless of the situation I can always pin the blame on myself.

I need to break this cycle.

I need to see that there are other alternatives.

Sometimes no one is to blame.

Sometimes things just happen.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, let yourself breathe.

Why do I always blame myself?

I am so caught up in you.

In every way I am caught up in you.

Physically, mentally, emotionally.

We are connected and tied together.

Physically we become entangled, last night we were in bed, falling asleep wrapped up in one another, my legs were wrapped around yours, our fingers were intertwined. We were like one being. Sharing our all with each other.

Mentally you amaze me. I love talking to you, hearing your view on the world, your perspective on situations. Witnessing your intelligence. When we first met we talked for hours about anything and everything. You capture my attention always.

Emotionally I am so reliant on you. You support me and encourage me to challenge negatives emotions. You cause me to feel positive emotion and to recognise what I’m feeling and enjoy it.

I am so caught up in you, in every single way.

I love you.

I am so caught up in you.