Is it really unfair?

I have just had a bit of a meltdown. 

We get married in just over a week, I’m excited and everything is planned.

My fiance just tried on his trousers and has told me they are getting tight. He says he must have gained some weight.

He is over 6 foot and weighs around 11 stone he is actually really thin. If he’s gained any weight it will only be a few pounds. Yet he is now in an awful mood, and tells me all he wants to do is to go for a run.

I feel like this is really unfair for me to have to hear. 

He knows I am in recovery from an eating disorder and that the behaviour he is exhibiting is exactly what I would have done when I was poorly.

He knows I am not allowed to react like that anymore because my therapist keeps an eye on my weight and the amount of exercise I’m doing.

He knows I’ve gained at least a stone in the last few months and I am struggling with that yet I can’t go out and exercise when I realise I’m gaining weight because I’m not allowed to compensate because it encourages my disorder.

He knows all this and yet he stands in front of me and tells me it has ruined his mood.

For him, someone of a healthy weight, to gain a few pounds and still be a perfectly healthy weight, yet be annoyed about this is really difficult for me. He says it’s because the trousers don’t fit but I told him I don’t believe this. I know that if he gained the weight anyway he would be annoyed, and he basically admitted that was true.

It’s really unfair that he tells me not to compensate for weight gain and to be happy the way I am and that I need to love myself and not worry if I’ve gained a little bit of weight, yet he feels that he is OK to get really annoyed over a small gain that still leaves him perfectly healthy.

I am really hurt and I can’t stop crying.

How can he be judging himself for gaining weight when he claims not to judge me when I do the same.

He must be quietly judging me, watching me this whole time I’ve regained the weight that I managed to lose. I am overweight now, in fact I think I am clinically obese.

He has really brought a lot into question for me, I really don’t know how I’m meant to be OK with myself anymore.

It has brought up loads of things that I thought I had buried. 

Am I wrong in saying it’s unfair for him to act like that?

I want him to be able to talk to me about anything.

But I am still recovering. 

I don’t feel like it’s fair for him to behave in a way that I would be told off for.

He even admitted that if I said I was going for a run because I gained weight then he wouldn’t be OK with that, because I had an eating disorder.

I think a lot of people have eating disordered behaviours though, and I think he is one of them. Just because he doesn’t admit it doesn’t mean he is using it in a way that is any different to the way in which I would use it.

This time I don’t think he is being fair to me.

It doesn’t feel fair.

Is it really unfair?

Let yourself have a treat. 

I’m really bad at eating in a controlled way. My vision is very black and white, I’m an all or nothing type of girl.

I’m either binging or restricting, or some variation of the two. I get into cycles where I consider my eating to be really good or really bad, but I shouldn’t view foods as good or bad. I should allow myself anything as long as it’s eaten in moderation.

I anguish over making food decisions, I want something and I have to go through reasons in my head for and against this decision, I can never just go for something without questioning it in my mind.

I had this today, I’d just been to pilates and although it’s not high intensity it is exercise, I am advised by my therapist to eat more when I exercise to avoid having too much of a calorie deficit so I shoild have just bought what I wanted for lunch. But it wasn’t that simple, I see something I want, I check the calories, no I shouldn’t have that, look for something lighter, don’t treat yourself.

Why not? I’m allowed to give myself a break, I’ve currently got a pretty balanced diet so why not be more lenient on myself.

I got to the till and saw a breakfast biscuit snack with chocolate chips in it, I picked it up, read the calories, put it down, kept looking at it, then turned my back on it. Why couldn’t I just let myself have it?

I did in the end, just as I was about to pay I put my foot down on those thoughts that stop me being free, turned around, picked that bar up and bought it.

I feel like that is a small win, beating those thoughts that hold me back so often. Taking ownership of situation and doing what I want not what I think I should do to be ‘good’.

So treat yourself, don’t constantly beat yourself up over these decisions.

Feel free to be healthy but healthy is about so much more than what you put in your mouth. You need to treat yourself to have a healthy attitude to food and yourself.

Your value is so much more than what you eat and what other people think about it, just remember that.

Let yourself have a treat.