Is it really unfair?

I have just had a bit of a meltdown. 

We get married in just over a week, I’m excited and everything is planned.

My fiance just tried on his trousers and has told me they are getting tight. He says he must have gained some weight.

He is over 6 foot and weighs around 11 stone he is actually really thin. If he’s gained any weight it will only be a few pounds. Yet he is now in an awful mood, and tells me all he wants to do is to go for a run.

I feel like this is really unfair for me to have to hear. 

He knows I am in recovery from an eating disorder and that the behaviour he is exhibiting is exactly what I would have done when I was poorly.

He knows I am not allowed to react like that anymore because my therapist keeps an eye on my weight and the amount of exercise I’m doing.

He knows I’ve gained at least a stone in the last few months and I am struggling with that yet I can’t go out and exercise when I realise I’m gaining weight because I’m not allowed to compensate because it encourages my disorder.

He knows all this and yet he stands in front of me and tells me it has ruined his mood.

For him, someone of a healthy weight, to gain a few pounds and still be a perfectly healthy weight, yet be annoyed about this is really difficult for me. He says it’s because the trousers don’t fit but I told him I don’t believe this. I know that if he gained the weight anyway he would be annoyed, and he basically admitted that was true.

It’s really unfair that he tells me not to compensate for weight gain and to be happy the way I am and that I need to love myself and not worry if I’ve gained a little bit of weight, yet he feels that he is OK to get really annoyed over a small gain that still leaves him perfectly healthy.

I am really hurt and I can’t stop crying.

How can he be judging himself for gaining weight when he claims not to judge me when I do the same.

He must be quietly judging me, watching me this whole time I’ve regained the weight that I managed to lose. I am overweight now, in fact I think I am clinically obese.

He has really brought a lot into question for me, I really don’t know how I’m meant to be OK with myself anymore.

It has brought up loads of things that I thought I had buried. 

Am I wrong in saying it’s unfair for him to act like that?

I want him to be able to talk to me about anything.

But I am still recovering. 

I don’t feel like it’s fair for him to behave in a way that I would be told off for.

He even admitted that if I said I was going for a run because I gained weight then he wouldn’t be OK with that, because I had an eating disorder.

I think a lot of people have eating disordered behaviours though, and I think he is one of them. Just because he doesn’t admit it doesn’t mean he is using it in a way that is any different to the way in which I would use it.

This time I don’t think he is being fair to me.

It doesn’t feel fair.

Is it really unfair?

Mental health tattoo.

I have many tattoos, all of them mean something to me and I have always aimed to get something that no one else has.

I have one large piece on my thigh that encorporates my love of running, my family, where I go on holiday and having strength.

I am currently in the process of designing another, I don’t want to say too much because I want it to remain my own but it will include the eating disorder symbol.

I also want to include some key words like compassion, strength and love and I want it to have a sense of vulnerability. I also hope to have an inspiring quote about continuing to live your life.

I drew a design up today and I’m really happy with it. Just need to wait for the tattoo artist to get back to me.

Hopefully soon I will have some new meaningful ink.

I want to be able to show the world the fight I have had with my mental health, but that I have the strength to be open about it and share my story.

Mental health tattoo.

Let yourself have a treat. 

I’m really bad at eating in a controlled way. My vision is very black and white, I’m an all or nothing type of girl.

I’m either binging or restricting, or some variation of the two. I get into cycles where I consider my eating to be really good or really bad, but I shouldn’t view foods as good or bad. I should allow myself anything as long as it’s eaten in moderation.

I anguish over making food decisions, I want something and I have to go through reasons in my head for and against this decision, I can never just go for something without questioning it in my mind.

I had this today, I’d just been to pilates and although it’s not high intensity it is exercise, I am advised by my therapist to eat more when I exercise to avoid having too much of a calorie deficit so I shoild have just bought what I wanted for lunch. But it wasn’t that simple, I see something I want, I check the calories, no I shouldn’t have that, look for something lighter, don’t treat yourself.

Why not? I’m allowed to give myself a break, I’ve currently got a pretty balanced diet so why not be more lenient on myself.

I got to the till and saw a breakfast biscuit snack with chocolate chips in it, I picked it up, read the calories, put it down, kept looking at it, then turned my back on it. Why couldn’t I just let myself have it?

I did in the end, just as I was about to pay I put my foot down on those thoughts that stop me being free, turned around, picked that bar up and bought it.

I feel like that is a small win, beating those thoughts that hold me back so often. Taking ownership of situation and doing what I want not what I think I should do to be ‘good’.

So treat yourself, don’t constantly beat yourself up over these decisions.

Feel free to be healthy but healthy is about so much more than what you put in your mouth. You need to treat yourself to have a healthy attitude to food and yourself.

Your value is so much more than what you eat and what other people think about it, just remember that.

Let yourself have a treat. 

Trying to control my emotions and words.

I joined the gym on Tuesday night, I went to a class and decided I wanted to keep going but at £5.50 a session I decided it would work out cheaper to just join the gym and go to couple of classes a week.

As soon as I joined the fear of what I might become set in.

Can I control the side of me that takes everything to the excess and avoid becoming exercise obsessed again, completely controlled by my eating disorder.

I quickly decided that the best plan of action would be to get my fiance to join too, that way he could keep an eye on me and pull me back if I started to take things too far.

I mentioned it to him and he didn’t seem too keen on the idea, he’s always tired after work and didn’t think he would be able to fit it in, instantly I felt anger and resentment towards him, why wouldn’t he do this for me, I need him to do this.

It is so unfair of me to feel this way towards him, and it is a weight he doesn’t need on his shoulders.

But I kept pushing, I convinced him to join me for one session at the gym to see how he felt.

We went today and he didn’t really enjoy it, I expected this but once again it set me off. I said some horrible things and it just reminds me that I am so far from being free of my mental illness.

I told him that if I get ill again it will be because he didn’t support me and it will essentially be his fault. I know in my mind that this is wrong of me but I just can’t stop the words. Maybe this is my borderline personality disorder, causing me to react without thinking and say things that hurt people. If my eating disorder comes back it isn’t his fault, not at all.

I made him feel like it would be though, I said these things to him and I can’t take them back.

I have told him it is his choice but he feels like I have not given him a choice because of the things I have said. 

This is something I really need to work on, some days I feel like I have come so far and then other days I really question my progress.

Right now I feel sorry for him that he has to deal with my emotions which are so out of control.

For now I am going to take steps to protect myself from my eating disorder, I am going to stick to doing classes which are controlled and for set periods of time, I am going to avoid using the gym itself as it holds too much potential for me to fall down that slippery slope.

I wish I could control my emotions and words more.

Maybe one day with more time and more therapy I can be the woman he deserves.

Trying to control my emotions and words.

My eating disorder, food and exercise 

I have an eating disorder, I have ever since I was a teenager, maybe a little bit before.

It has varied over the years, it started when I stopped eating then it changed into more of a bulimia type disorder. It remained this way for most of my teenage years and because of the binging side of it I never lost any weight.

I was a big girl and weighed nearly 20 stone when I finished university.

When I left university I started a job, I also started a diet, not an extreme diet, just healthy eating and I dropped a few stone.

Then I got poorly, they thought I had gallstones and advised me to eat low fat, here my eating disorder stepped in and took control. Instead of eating low fat I cut it out completely, nothing over 5% fat passed my lips. I continued this way for a year and ended u weighing less than 10 stone, a massive change from where I had once been.

Not only was I restricting food I also dramatically increased the amount of exercise I was doing and after starting to run only a few miles at a time it quickly rose to at least 13 miles every time I went for a run.

I ran a marathon only 9 months after I started running, a massive achievement, but one influenced not by myself, but by the voice in my head telling me that I needed to get better constantly.

After a year I was told I could reintroduce fat and this really messed my head up, I went from having control over everything to being set free again and I struggler to make food choices. 

I didn’t want to gain weight but I wanted the pizza and the chocolate and my head doesn’t work in a way that allows me to have just a little bit.

I returned to my binging behaviours. This time though my eating disorder moved in cycles; I would go through different phases, it switched between restricting, binging and binging and purging. I began to gain weight as the binging took its toll.

I now see a therapist to deal wth my eating disorder, I have to plan my meals in advance but I can only use the plan as a guide, having the mindset that I must follow it exactly only feeds my eating disorder because it gives the element of control.

Since starting the meal plans I have found that it is easier to eat in a way that is healthier, it allows my mind to be less focused on food and t not obsess over every meal and it ensures that i am not undereating.

I also have to deal with the emotional reasons behind my eating and to learn to deal  with my emotions in other ways, a big thing we focus on is distraction and self soothing; finding things that take my mind away from food and finding alternative comforts such as hugging someone or having a cup of tea.

When I focus on making sure I do the plans and working on the related therapy I find it does really help.

I want to start to reintroduce exercise into my life but I am wary of the effects it may have on my eating disorder thoughts. I have asked my therapist if I can start playing netball and she said yes because it is for a set session with a limit on the amount of time I can spend doing it so I can’t go to the extremes.

I would also like to join a gym but I think it might be too early in my recovery for me to do this unless I was accompanied by my partner who could ensure I wasn’t overdoing it.

I am excited for my first netball session tomorrow, although I am anxious about meeting a lot of new people, hopefully it will g well and it can be something ai can cntinue with and be the start of my healthy relationship with exercise.

My eating disorder, food and exercise