Loss.

I have been feeling pretty stable lately.

I am working full time, I get to see my friends when our schedules allow, and I’d say that in my life is going in a good direction.

I’ve got a couple of things going on right now though, and they are causing me some problems.

Firstly I lost my grandpa last weekend, I was at work when I found out. My husband didn’t want to tell me until I got home, he thought it would be best for me to get work out of the way and then sit me down when I am at home and tell me. Someone else got the news to me though and it shocked me. 

I knew he wasn’t in great health but I don’t think you ever expect the news.

I left work and went to see my family, to help where I could and to provide support. The problem is, I didn’t stop to take it in, so I didn’t get to feel the emotions I should be feeling and to start to process what was going on.

Then this week I started my new job.

I say new job, it’s the same job I’ve had for the last 8 months but I’ve just got a permanent contract working slightly different days.

So I go in for my first day of my official permanent job still feeling a complete mess from the events of last weekend.

Over the course of the week I have began to feel better, but there is something else going on too.

I am glad this is an anonymous blog because I’m not really ready to share this with people I know yet, especially because we don’t have a full picture of what is going on,

My husband and I want a family but we came to realise that we might not be able to have children.

We decided to have some tests done and although we haven’t seen a doctor for the results yet we know there is something wrong.

We don’t know what or how serious the issue is but we know now that there is likely to be a reason why we will struggle to have a family.

The thing that scares me is that it might not be a possibility at all. This itself feels like we are losing out. 

On a possible future we could have.

On the lives we could have created and the things we could provide to make their lives the best they could be.

I know we don’t know for sure yet and I know things might work out ok.

I just feel like I’m mourning right now.

Both for the loss of my grandpa, a solid family figure who has been here my whole life, and for the possible loss of my potential children, a future which I dream of.

Sorry to complain and to only write when things aren’t going right, but that’s the time when I need to share.

I know that some of what I have written about is uncertain and you may think I shouldn’t worry without the facts, but I can’t help the thoughts from creeping in.

I think I am going to take some time out in my safe place with my compassionate image and try and process everything that is happening right now.

I know how important it is to remember my therapy, and the tools it has taught me, when times are challenging.

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Loss.

Compassionate letter #5.

Hello friend.

It’s time for you to stop and breathe.

You’ve got a lot going on, a wedding to plan, a full time job to do, friendships to juggle.

Take a step back and realise you’ve got it all under control.

You’ve made massive progress planning the wedding today, and if you’re completely honest with yourself it’s been really well planned the whole way though, you’ve made sure of it.

Work is what it is, you need a job and although it’s busy and stressful, you are good at it, so have faith and soldier on.

You’re friends don’t require your constant attention and they are there to support you too. They love you and would do anything to ensure you are happy and healthy.

Take a step back.

Breathe.

Focus on the positives.

You are doing well.

Everyone has set backs, you can work through this.

Stay strong my friend.

With love always,

Your compassionate friend. 

Compassionate letter #5.

#lovemechallenge 

Day 3.

A word that describes me.

The best one I’ve got is unpredictable. 

I am quite spontaneous so people don’t know what I am going to do next.

My behaviour can change from one week to the next.

I go through cycles of being in a really good routine and then completely losing it.

My emotions are all over the place a lot of the time.

So there we go, unpredictable. 

#lovemechallenge 

Compassionate letter #4

Hello old friend,

How are you doing?

How is your sister?

She will get better you know, I promise you she will.

I know you are worried about her but you can’t let it rule your life. You need to remain healthy if you are to be of any use to her.

Look after yourself and then you can help to look after her, and the rest of your family. Supporting your mum and dad at what is a challenging time.

Don’t do too much though. It isn’t your responsibility to look after everyone, as much as you think it is. They just need your support, you don’t need to do every little thing for them, they are adults too.

Make time to do what you enjoy and have a break from all the worrying.

It takes time to recover, you of all people know that, given the journey you have been on yourself.

Have patience and good things will come, she will get better, and she will thank you for any support you gave her, she will understand that you couldn’t be there every day, and she will appreciate that you did what you needed to in order for you to remain healthy too.

Don’t be hard on yourself, I know it’s difficult to see someone suffering when you can’t do anything to help them but other people had to do the same when you were ill and you don’t feel resentment towards them for not finding a magic cure, so she won’t feel that towards you. 

You are doing all you can.

Stay strong and look after yourself and everyone else will follow.

With love,

Your compassionate friend. 

Compassionate letter #4

The importance of breathing.

Breathing is important, we all know that, you have to breathe to survive.

It goes deeper than that though, everyone breathes but focusing on your breathing can do so much for you.

I’ve done a couple of yoga sessions and already I can see the effect that focusing on breathing has on me.

Today it made me feel so relaxed that I could have fallen asleep.

It completely calms me down and rids me of my worries and bad thoughts. It connects me to my inner self and is has a really positive impact on me.

Today one of the exercises we worked on was breathing in for 4 and out for 6 or more. It doesn’t come naturally and it took me a bit of work but once I managed it I was just completely focused on my breath and nothing else.

Breathing is good for your mind, it’s a good distraction, and we all need to do it.

How useful would it be to just utilise a tool we already have?

I would highly recommend yoga to anyone.

The importance of breathing.

Sharing my story 

Writing really helps me.

It allows me to get my emotions and feelings out in a safe way.

I may not be very good and it and it may not make perfect sense or mean anything to other people but I find it therapeutic. 

My therapist recommended it to me, she said I had a good story to tell, and I will tell it, in another post sometime, I will write about my childhood and what I believe led me down the path which I took which has led me to be where I am today.

When I am writing sometimes I lose track of what I am saying, my words all mix into one, I get jumbled and my mind races ahead of the words that I am writing.

I have so much to say and I can’t type as fast as I can think of it.

My teachers always said that was my trouble, my mind worked too quickly and I missed off the ends of words when I was writing stories because my mind was racing ahead too fast for my hand to keep up.

So as much as I think my writing can be a bit of a mess and it may not make much sense to other people I will continue to write.

I find it helpful and maybe it will mean something to someone else.

Sharing your story can really help, both you and the people who are reading it.

I hope that someone reading this will be able to make sense of my words and the meaning behind them.

Find something that works for you and utilise it.

For me, for now, that is writing to share my story with others.

Here’s to many more posts.

Sharing my story 

Compassionate letter #3

So the basis behind this letter is that my sister is in hospital and has been since before Christmas, when she was first in I saw her nearly every day and even had time off work to go and visit her, since then I found my own mental health was suffering as a result of the pressures of visiting someone that is so unwell (she had a physical illness but it has now manifested into a mental illness where she is very out of touch with the world and what is really happening).

For over a week now I have not seen her and although I felt immense guilt at first, people around me have encouraged me to take a step back and focus on myself because she is so unwell she isn’t even fully aware that I am actually there.

However, yesterday someone told me that I should be visiting her because she is my sister so I owe her that, now my feelings of guilt have returned so this letter aims to challenge the guilt I am once again feeling.

Dear Friend,

You have no reason to feel guilty, you were there right at the beginning and took on a lot of the pressure of the situation. You did things that should have been the responsibility of your parents, but you took on that role. You were there for her, supporting her, managing to get her to eat and take her tablets when she wouldn’t for anyone else.

Then you started to suffer, your mental health started to go downhill and you must put yourself first. You can’t care for someone if you aren’t caring for yourself first. You have seen the quote that you can’t pour from an empty cup, and it’s true, you need to be well and healthy to fully help her recover.

You have done so much for all of your family over the years and they appreciate everything that you have done, and you should know that they don’t expect it of you, it is you yourself that puts unnecessary pressure onto yourself.

Most of the people around you agree that you are doing the right thing in taking a break from the situation and becoming less involved

Don’t let the words of one person ruin all the progress that you have made.

I promise you, you have nothing to feel guilty for.

With love,

Your compassionate friend.

Compassionate letter #3