#lovemechallenge 

Day 3.

A word that describes me.

The best one I’ve got is unpredictable. 

I am quite spontaneous so people don’t know what I am going to do next.

My behaviour can change from one week to the next.

I go through cycles of being in a really good routine and then completely losing it.

My emotions are all over the place a lot of the time.

So there we go, unpredictable. 

#lovemechallenge 

#lovemechallenge 

Today is day 2 and I have to share a photo of myself, obviously I don’t want to show my face so let’s show my backside ahaha. 

This is me climbing Snowdon late in 2015.

I was on my way to the summit, which I reached, and it was the second time I had reached it, and the second time in that week!

The weather was much nicer than it had been earlier in the week and we had a clear view from the summit.

Hopefully I’ll make it to the top again in a couple of months on my honeymoon. 

#lovemechallenge 

#lovemechallenge

I saw this on Facebook and thought I’d give it a try.

Each day you check off the next thing on the list.

Today is number 1.

Why are you doing #loveme?

I want to share a bit about what I am learning about myself.

I know that day 2 involves sharing a picture but I will keep it pretty obscure to protect my anonymity.

So why am I doing it?

It seems like a good way to share some positivity and to reflect on the good things in my life.

I struggle to be positive and to give myself some love so I thought this would be a good idea.

Also it gives me a reason to blog everyday which I feel is good for me, but something that I am not doing as much as I would like.

Positivity is so important, as is giving yourself some care and attention.

I want to share this journey with you and see where I am in 28 days.

I hope you will come with me on this journey.

Thanks for reading!

#lovemechallenge

Trying to stay healthy.

When I say healthy I mean mentally healthy.

I’ve been a bit quiet for the past few days.

I am starting to struggle a little bit.

Working full time and not really resting on my days off is starting to take its toll.

I have noticed my mood starting to come down a little bit and my stress and anxiety levels rising.

Maybe it is just because the wedding is coming up so soon, but I don’t think so, I have been pretty calm about the whole thing because I have planned it pretty well and have got everything under control.

I think it is the weight of responsibilty.

Being responsible for my work.

Being responsible for visiting my sister.

Just being more responsible than I have had to be for a while.

Maybe I have taken on too much but I felt I needed to try and get back to normal.

I enjoy work and wouldn’t want to give it up. It fills my day and distracts me, but you need your weekend.

My weekends are currently spent in the gym (me time) or visiting my sister (which is a full day commitment).

I want to see my sister but it is becoming a lot for me to handle.

I feel like I just need a bit of a break somewhere.

Trying to stay healthy.

Mini meltdown. 

Following the news last night I had a complete meltdown.

I tried to talk it through with my fiance but I just couldn’t make the points I was trying to make.

I was a mess.

I spent a lot of time crying.

I haven’t been like that for a long time.

I wanted a hug, I just wanted him to pull me in and hug me and calm me down,, but he thought I was mad at him so he tried to talk to me but I just went silent.

I do that when I’m upset, I just go quiet and won’t interact.

I wouldn’t touch him, speak to him, I even left the room and just sat in the bathroom.

When I was in bed I pushed myself as far away from him as I could get, to the pint where I was hanging out of bed.

I do this, I do the opposite of what I want.

I wanted to be close to him so I put ad much distance between us as I possibly can.

I woke up this morning feeling numb.

I gave up so much emotion last night that I felt like I had nothing left.

Then he said something that upset me and I cried some more. Like a lot. I couldn’t control it. He said that when I get like that he just feels like he wants me to f*uck off. That hurt.

I can’t help it when I am like that.

I lose control.

My emotions are all over the place.

My mind is somewhere else.

I create a situation that I don’t want to be in.

He made me feel like he just can’t be bothered with me when I am at my worst.

I felt better as the day went on. I got on with work and my mood picked up.

I know he didn’t mean to hurt me but I need a lot of support when I am like that.

I need someone to look after me when I am actively trying to hurt myself (not psychically on this occasion).

I just can’t believe I lost it so badly over something so insignificant to so many people, but to me it was huge.

I’m just glad I’ve managed to pull it back today.

It’s so draining fighting with yourself.

Mini meltdown. 

Why does good news feel like bad news?

We have just found out that my fiance’s cousin is pregnant.

That is great news, really it is, I am so happy for them.

Then my emotions kick in.

All I want is a baby, I have wanted one for as long as I remember, I want my own little family.

So we hear the news and my initial reaction is happiness, then a few seconds later I feel sick, I want to cry, I am so incredibly jealous of what they are about to experience, the possibilities that are so close for them now.

Why do I feel this way?

Why can’t I just be happy for them?

I wish I could but I can’t fight down the feelings that I am having.

There is tightness in my chest, my heart is beating fast and I feel sick and tearful.

I wish I didn’t have to feel like this.

I just want to be happy for them.

Why does good news feel like bad news?