Absent.

So I’ve been pretty absent the past couple of weeks.

I keep meaning to write down how I’m feeling but when I try nothing comes out.

I’m going through a bit of a rough patch.

My eating is sliding, my moods are irregular, I missed a day of work due to not feeling like I could even get out of bed. All the techniques I’ve learned in therapy have essentially been abandoned. I’m gaining weight and I just feel like a lump.

I don’t understand why any of this is happening though, nothing has really changed.

Maybe it’s just being a normal functioning adult is taking its toll on me after me being out of action for so long.

I had my hen party this week and I just felt like I didn’t belong. They had done a great job organising it and I had a good time, but I knew I should have been having a better time.

Today I read something on Facebook that I didn’t want to see too, this sent me into a bit of a bad place, and my fiance didn’t understand. He never understands why other people’s lives concern me so much, but if something affects me then I can’t just not feel what I’m feeling. I don’t have that sort of control.

I text a friend and she made me feel better.

I needed to write about it though, I need to get this out in a healthy way.

I need to be vocal about the fact that things are so great.

I need to admit it to myself.

I need to challenge these things that are happening and focus on a better future.

I need to share my story.

From now on, I’ll try to be less absent.

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Absent.

Current mood – unknown

At the moment I am very up and down.

One minute I’m on the verge of tears and the next I’m bouncing up and down.

I don’t know where this has come from or why it is happening.

I know I’m not bipolar because my psychiatrist ruled that out pretty early on, but my moods do just jump up and down.

I guess this is my emotionally unstable personality disorder, does what it says really, my emotions are incredibly unstable.

The thing is, I had been holding it together so well, and now it feels like it’s all slipping.

Despite all the therapy and the tools I have learned I just can’t see to get a grip on it.

I think that’s because I don’t know where it’s coming from.

If someone had upset me I could address that issue.

If I wasn’t sleeping enough I could try and adjust.

Yet I don’t know what is causing this disruption, so how am I meant to tackle it.

Maybe I need to slow down, but when I do I completely stop, there’s no half way for me. It’s all or nothing.

If I have nothing to do, I will do nothing.

I need to keep busy but I don’t need to run myself down. It’s difficult finding a balance though.

I just wish I knew what I needed to get back on even ground.

I’m fed up of the highs and lows.

I would love to just be level.

Current mood – unknown

#lovemechallenge 

Day 3.

A word that describes me.

The best one I’ve got is unpredictable. 

I am quite spontaneous so people don’t know what I am going to do next.

My behaviour can change from one week to the next.

I go through cycles of being in a really good routine and then completely losing it.

My emotions are all over the place a lot of the time.

So there we go, unpredictable. 

#lovemechallenge 

#lovemechallenge 

Today is day 2 and I have to share a photo of myself, obviously I don’t want to show my face so let’s show my backside ahaha. 

This is me climbing Snowdon late in 2015.

I was on my way to the summit, which I reached, and it was the second time I had reached it, and the second time in that week!

The weather was much nicer than it had been earlier in the week and we had a clear view from the summit.

Hopefully I’ll make it to the top again in a couple of months on my honeymoon. 

#lovemechallenge 

#lovemechallenge

I saw this on Facebook and thought I’d give it a try.

Each day you check off the next thing on the list.

Today is number 1.

Why are you doing #loveme?

I want to share a bit about what I am learning about myself.

I know that day 2 involves sharing a picture but I will keep it pretty obscure to protect my anonymity.

So why am I doing it?

It seems like a good way to share some positivity and to reflect on the good things in my life.

I struggle to be positive and to give myself some love so I thought this would be a good idea.

Also it gives me a reason to blog everyday which I feel is good for me, but something that I am not doing as much as I would like.

Positivity is so important, as is giving yourself some care and attention.

I want to share this journey with you and see where I am in 28 days.

I hope you will come with me on this journey.

Thanks for reading!

#lovemechallenge

Trying to stay healthy.

When I say healthy I mean mentally healthy.

I’ve been a bit quiet for the past few days.

I am starting to struggle a little bit.

Working full time and not really resting on my days off is starting to take its toll.

I have noticed my mood starting to come down a little bit and my stress and anxiety levels rising.

Maybe it is just because the wedding is coming up so soon, but I don’t think so, I have been pretty calm about the whole thing because I have planned it pretty well and have got everything under control.

I think it is the weight of responsibilty.

Being responsible for my work.

Being responsible for visiting my sister.

Just being more responsible than I have had to be for a while.

Maybe I have taken on too much but I felt I needed to try and get back to normal.

I enjoy work and wouldn’t want to give it up. It fills my day and distracts me, but you need your weekend.

My weekends are currently spent in the gym (me time) or visiting my sister (which is a full day commitment).

I want to see my sister but it is becoming a lot for me to handle.

I feel like I just need a bit of a break somewhere.

Trying to stay healthy.