Following the news last night I had a complete meltdown.
I tried to talk it through with my fiance but I just couldn’t make the points I was trying to make.
I was a mess.
I spent a lot of time crying.
I haven’t been like that for a long time.
I wanted a hug, I just wanted him to pull me in and hug me and calm me down,, but he thought I was mad at him so he tried to talk to me but I just went silent.
I do that when I’m upset, I just go quiet and won’t interact.
I wouldn’t touch him, speak to him, I even left the room and just sat in the bathroom.
When I was in bed I pushed myself as far away from him as I could get, to the pint where I was hanging out of bed.
I do this, I do the opposite of what I want.
I wanted to be close to him so I put ad much distance between us as I possibly can.
I woke up this morning feeling numb.
I gave up so much emotion last night that I felt like I had nothing left.
Then he said something that upset me and I cried some more. Like a lot. I couldn’t control it. He said that when I get like that he just feels like he wants me to f*uck off. That hurt.
I can’t help it when I am like that.
I lose control.
My emotions are all over the place.
My mind is somewhere else.
I create a situation that I don’t want to be in.
He made me feel like he just can’t be bothered with me when I am at my worst.
I felt better as the day went on. I got on with work and my mood picked up.
I know he didn’t mean to hurt me but I need a lot of support when I am like that.
I need someone to look after me when I am actively trying to hurt myself (not psychically on this occasion).
I just can’t believe I lost it so badly over something so insignificant to so many people, but to me it was huge.
I’m just glad I’ve managed to pull it back today.
It’s so draining fighting with yourself.