Whenever anything goes wrong I always assume that I am at fault.
When I was younger it was my parents failed marriage, I blamed myself, what did I do wrong? Why couldn’t they stay together? How did force them apart? Well I didn’t, my dad is gay and was cheating on my mum. Not that I knew that at the time. I don’t blame either of my parents for the break down of the marriage, mum wasn’t to blame and dad had his reasons for doing what he did. He wanted a family and he came from a family where being gay wasn’t an option. Not entirely his fault. I’m not saying what he did was right, I’m just saying I understand why he did it. At the time I was too young to know any of this so I blamed myself.
Then at school I got bullied, sometimes (although not often) it was psychical, I’ve been strangled and smacked over the head with text books, I’ve heard many insults, some aimed at me, some at my family, based on appearance, intelligence, and anything they could pick at. I blamed myself for not being good enough for people to like me.
I tried to kill myself when I was still at school, I took an overdose. My mum found out and shouted at me for wasting her tablets. All my fault. Why didn’t I do something else? Why did I have to be so wasteful in my attempts to free everybody from the misery I was clearly causing.
Then my first boyfriend, treated me awfully to be honest. But I thought I deserved it, he treated me that way because I wasn’t good enough. He looked at other girls because I didn’t give him everything he needed. He hurt me because I wasn’t what I should have been. In the end when he left I decided it because I had never been enough for him and I wasn’t worthy.
After school I went to university, my tutors told me I couldn’t do what I wanted because I wasn’t smart enough. Again, my fault, why didn’t I work harder, why didn’t I have the skills I needed? Why was I such a failure?
Then a few years later I got poorly, I couldn’t work, I could barely get out of bed, and some days I didn’t. Once again the blame loomed over me. Why couldn’t I just get on with it, just get out of bed and do something! I couldn’t though. Why couldn’t I just stop being a burden? Why was I making everyone around me suffer? Why was I even alive? What is the point in me? All my fault.
Even now, when a friend doesn’t reply to a text, for example, I assume it’s my fault, that I’ve done something wrong. I am always to blame.
Regardless of the situation I can always pin the blame on myself.
I need to break this cycle.
I need to see that there are other alternatives.
Sometimes no one is to blame.
Sometimes things just happen.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, let yourself breathe.