Today I saw my nurse, it’s been a few weeks and she just wanted to check in with me.
I forgot I had the appointment and woke up late so that wasn’t a great start and I didn’t feel quite myself when I got there.
She discussed the topic of me having children again, I’ve kind of got used to the idea that it’s going to be a couple of years but she said that she had seen in my notes from my therapist that I was quite upset about it. I had forgotten how upset I was at the time, so it made me think on it again, am I really ok with it? It doesn’t matter really, I don’t have a choice, my fiance will listen to what my psychiatrist said and won’t budge even if I think I’m ready.
Then she brought out my care plan, we need to change it as it hasn’t been reviewed since September and I have improved greatly since then.
My care plan gave a description of my conditions; and I got upset.
It says I have a diagnosis of bulimia nervosa/binge eating disorder and a background of emotionally unstable personality traits secondary to depressive symptoms.
I didn’t realise my eating disorder had been diagnosed as that, I thought I had EDNOS as I cycle between binging, binging and purging, and restriction; this unsettled me as I felt like I don’t know what I am dealing with.
Secondly the diagnosis of emotionally unstable personality disorder, I thought I had borderline personality disorder, so I felt like I don’t understand what this means anymore. She then explained that they are the same thing.
But. It’s the word traits that bothers me, I was so convinced that I had the disorder and not just the traits, now I feel like I have been lying to people about what is wrong with me. Have I made people believe I am worse than I am? But I am poorly, I know I am, am I just not poorly enough? It makes me question myself and what other people will think of me now.
After reading about borderline personality disorder everything matched up, I could relate to all of it, now I find out I’m not considered to have it I’m just so confused.
I cried, I cried in front of my nurse because I feel like I have lost part of my identity. Is that silly? Should I be happy that they don’t think it’s so serious? I want to know who I am though, and what’s wrong with me.
I need answers, and I did think I had found them, now I feel lost and like I don’t understand anymore.