I’m not scared of the dark.
I’m scared of what’s in the dark.
I struggle at night time, I need a lot of sleep because my tablets are sedatives but I don’t really like going to sleep. I’m on my own when I’m asleep and it gives me a sense of being abandoned.
When I was really poorly going to sleep was the worst time for me. I’d often kick off and throw tantrums, I needed constant attention and to be watched to make sure I wasn’t harming myself.
I am past that stage now but I still struggle with some things at night time.
Firstly I have a fear of being in the dark in the bathroom. I always leave the bathroom and then reach in to turn the light off. I’m scared that there is something in the mirror that will get me in the dark. I only worry about the bathroom mirror, the one in the bedroom doesn’t bother me. I don’t know why.
Then there’s my other fear. I often wake up in the middle of the night feeling like someone is standing over me. I have to open my eyes and turn over to check that someone isn’t actually there. I try and convince myself that there isn’t anyone and avoid actually checking but I can’t appease my anxiety until I have double checked.
I think this fear comes from a ‘vision’ or ‘nightmare’ I had when I was young. I’d just watched an episode of a soap and someone had died or killed someone. In the middle of the night I woke up (or thought I did) and I saw them standing in my door way, just the silhouette of them as the landing light was behind them. I always remember seeing this and after that I always had to sleep with my bedroom door closed.
I think maybe that stuck with me. Yet I only started seeing it again since I’ve been poorly.
Maybe I’m just more vulnerable to thoughts like that nowadays.
It is scary though, that feeling that someone is there. Watching you. With the potential to hurt you.
It really does scare me.
So here I go again, off to sleep, with that fear hanging over me that tonight, again, I will awake to that familiar feeling that something isn’t right and I am in immediate danger.
I can’t really talk to my fiance about it because once I got so scared I had to sleep with the light on and he thought I was making it up because I’d never told him about it before.
I guess I just didn’t want him to think I was crazy.
Am I crazy? Or am I just a bit of a mess?