I used to be quite a confident child, I’d stand up and read in front of the class, I performed in a school play, I sang by myself in front of the school at the Christmas assembly. I didn’t really fear standing up in front of people and showing what I could do. I had confidence in myself.
I got bullied at school which knocked that a bit but I still remained pretty sure of myself, I built up a wall and got on with it (in later years it seems it really did affect me but at the time I thought I was fine). I wasn’t scared of people or what they would do to me, someone strangled me once in the playground when I was 9 or 10, I still didn’t seem to worry about it. I believed in myself and my abilities as I was academically good and all the adults told me so. I didn’t really care what my peers said too much.
Then I started to date my now ex boyfriend. Things changed. He was scared of a lot of things, of situations, people, things that might happen, and this meant I became scared too as I looked to him as someone that could protect me, and if he was scared then surely there was something to be scared of.
I became less of myself, I was a lot quieter, I still put on a bit of a front but now I was actually scared of people and what they could do to hurt me.
My confidence fell.
This wasn’t helped by the way he treated me and spoke to me too, he would use back handed compliments so I didn’t realise he was actually insulting me. He made me feel fat and ugly and like no one else would ever want me so I felt that I had to stay with him.
He hurt me too though, maybe it’s him I should have feared. He strangled me once, and he would touch my boobs and bum in public, I hated it, we got into a fight once and a police officer told me to walk away. He walked away with my mum going to my house and I had to go in the opposite direction. I felt so alone.
He also hit me in the stomach when he thought I might be pregnant and him doing this led to me hitting myself every time I worried I might be, because he led me to believe it was the right thing to do.
In the end we separated, his choice not mine.
Pretty quickly I became loud and fun again, but I had changed, I wasn’t truly confident in myself anymore. I doubted myself and felt I was never good enough for anything.
Since meeting my fiance he has done everything he can to try and build me back up again, he constantly reminds me that he loves me and I am good enough and that he wouldn’t change me.
Slowly I’m starting to believe him. I was lying in bed the other night and I just had a moment where I felt like everything is coming together and I am almost back to having the confidence that I once did.
Blogging is really helping because you get to speak to an audience of people who can share what you are going through and provide you with support. Everytime someone tells you they like what you have said or they enjoy reading it that gives you an extra boost and it is different because it’s not someone that has to like you because they are family, it’s someone that genuinely likes you without even knowing you.
Thank you to everyone that has helped build me back up.
I am coming back stronger than I was before.