My mental illness had a really strong hold on me for a while. It was there before I even knew it, silently standing with me, witnessing every decision I made and every action I took.
I don’t know how I didn’t see it sooner, there were so many signs that something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t spot them because for me it was normal and I didn’t realise that my normality wasn’t in fact everyone else’s.
So my question is will it ever end? And do I ever want it to? I mean I want to get better of course, and I want to continue to recover, but do I want to act like none of this ever happened?
I think it will stay with me forever, I don’t think you ever are completely free of something that has become so deeply intertwined with every aspect of your life.
I don’t ever want to forget though. I want to remember the lowest lows. On the days where I feel like I’m having a bad time I want to be able to look back and see how far I’ve come and how far away from rock bottom I am.
I want to remember how strong I have had to be and what I have overcome.
I don’t ever want to forget and I don’t ever want to be free.
It is, and always will be, a massive part of me.