I feel so rejected right now.
I was lying in bed, reading some blogs, googling some mental health tattoo ideas, just generally relaxing.
I decide it’s time for bed so I settle down and ask my fiance for a hug and a kiss.
Instantly he gets defensive, telling me he has been trying to get to sleep and I’m keeping him awake, he doesn’t seem to want to hug me and refuses to kiss me because I taste smokey (I was smoking but I’ve been quitting and I’m now using a vape but he still doesn’t like it).
All it takes is for him to not want to show me that affection and that’s it, my mood instantly changes, I feel rejected, angry, let down, disappointed, unworthy and undeserving of love.
I have to leave the situation, I can’t handle what is going on in my mind. I feel so out of control of my emotions, what is happening to me.
I am so far from my worst times yet so far from being free of these emotional rollercoasters that come with having borderline personality disorder.
So I left the room, hoping for him to tell me not to go, or to chase after me, but he doesn’t. He used to but I guess he’s bored of it now, over playing games, fed up of my behaviour, and I guess I must deserve it, this is all my fault.
I feel pretty rubbish right now, I’m sat on the sofa wrapped in a duvet trying to clear my mind enough to sleep.
I hate sleeping on my own and I hate feeling like this.
Why do I still feel so useless?
I wish I could control the way I feel so much better than I do, but I can’t. Right now I can’t deal with that fact.
I just want him to come downstairs and guide me back to bed, tell me everything is OK and that he still loves me.
But he won’t, because I’ve done this too many times before, and he’s over it now.
So here I am, on my own and in the dark, close to tears, just wishing that I was someone else who could control their words and actions in a way that I can’t.
Sometimes I really don’t like myself.