It is an all consuming monster thar lurks within, waiting to surface at any given moment.
I am quite ashamed to admit that I am a very jealous person. I think it comes from a combination of my fear of being abandoned and my constant thoughts that I am not good enough and I never will be.
I work with my fiance which is great, most of the time, he is there as a constant support but sometimes my jealously is an issue.
I have to witness every single interaction he has with other people and when it is a female of a similar age to him the jealous monster within me awakens.
Today he is working with a woman, just the two of them alone in the downstairs lab.
Of course the rational side of me trusts him, and her, they are both lovely people that wouldn’t want to hurt anyone, but sometimes my jealousy takes over and I can’t see things rationally any more.
Today is one of those days, I keep walk past the window of the room which they are working in, looking in to see what they are doing, all sorts of thoughts whirling around in my mind.
I don’t know what I’m expecting, or wanting to see. Them stood 10 feet apart not talking or the two of them just a little too close really enjoying one another’s company. The latter would probably please the jealous voice in my head, proving it be right. Is that really what I want to see though?
Today is a struggle for me, I don’t want to talk to him about it for fear he will get angry at me.
It used to cause arguments, I would go to him and tell him what I was thinking but I wouldn’t do it calmly, I would make all sorts of accusations, accuse him of being disrespectful and inappropriate, make him feel bad for just being himself and making friends with people.
I know it is unfair so I try and stop myself now, I approach him in a different way, tell him I just need to be reassured. I know that he gets annoyed though. He doesn’t think I should need reassurance. He thinks I should just trust him enough.
I do deep down.
I even do on the surface when my head is in the right place.
But when that monster takes over it removes all traces of coherent thoughts from my mind and it drives me crazy. I just worry about the worst things that he could do and how he could hurt me if he wanted to.
I know he doesn’t want to though. I really do, I just wish I could see it all the time.
I know I probably sound like a whiny and horrible person but I’m not, truly I am not, I just have horrible thoughts sometimes and I don’t think I’m alone in that. If I could, and I really wish I could, I would free myself from the clutches of this animal that takes hold of me.
I just want to be free.