I joined the gym on Tuesday night, I went to a class and decided I wanted to keep going but at £5.50 a session I decided it would work out cheaper to just join the gym and go to couple of classes a week.
As soon as I joined the fear of what I might become set in.
Can I control the side of me that takes everything to the excess and avoid becoming exercise obsessed again, completely controlled by my eating disorder.
I quickly decided that the best plan of action would be to get my fiance to join too, that way he could keep an eye on me and pull me back if I started to take things too far.
I mentioned it to him and he didn’t seem too keen on the idea, he’s always tired after work and didn’t think he would be able to fit it in, instantly I felt anger and resentment towards him, why wouldn’t he do this for me, I need him to do this.
It is so unfair of me to feel this way towards him, and it is a weight he doesn’t need on his shoulders.
But I kept pushing, I convinced him to join me for one session at the gym to see how he felt.
We went today and he didn’t really enjoy it, I expected this but once again it set me off. I said some horrible things and it just reminds me that I am so far from being free of my mental illness.
I told him that if I get ill again it will be because he didn’t support me and it will essentially be his fault. I know in my mind that this is wrong of me but I just can’t stop the words. Maybe this is my borderline personality disorder, causing me to react without thinking and say things that hurt people. If my eating disorder comes back it isn’t his fault, not at all.
I made him feel like it would be though, I said these things to him and I can’t take them back.
I have told him it is his choice but he feels like I have not given him a choice because of the things I have said.
This is something I really need to work on, some days I feel like I have come so far and then other days I really question my progress.
Right now I feel sorry for him that he has to deal with my emotions which are so out of control.
For now I am going to take steps to protect myself from my eating disorder, I am going to stick to doing classes which are controlled and for set periods of time, I am going to avoid using the gym itself as it holds too much potential for me to fall down that slippery slope.
I wish I could control my emotions and words more.
Maybe one day with more time and more therapy I can be the woman he deserves.