For a long time after I got ill I couldn’t work.
I first noticed I was poorly when I was in tears every day on my way to work and when I spoke to a doctor they signed me off work for a couple of weeks.
I hoped to get better in this time but if anything I found myself getting worse, struggling to even get out of bed somedays, and when the time came to return to work I just wasn’t in a fit state so I got signed off again.
This pattern continued for over 6 months until my job had to let me go.
It was a relief in some ways to not have the pressure on me to recover quickly and get back into my normal life, it gave me some time to breathe and focus on recovery for myself not for the pressures of daily life.
After another few months I felt much better and found myself a job, very quickly however I found I was struggling with the negative thoughts again and I often found myself in tears in front of my coworkers. Once again I had to give up work.
Then an opportunity came up at my old place of work, I thought it would be great, somewhere familiar doing a job that I know I am good at, also my fiance works there and I thought having him around would make things easier when the negativity starts to creep in again.
So I found myself back in my old job surrounded by familiar faces and with my rock there to support me.
I have been there for 3 months now and I’m feeling good about it, I’ve had days where I want to give up and go home and sleep all day but I haven’t succumbed to those feelings.
The thing that I struggle with most in the job is having my partner around. As supportive as he is sometimes his presence allows me to be weaker than I should be and to rely on him when I should be supporting myself.
Also I have incredibly bad jealously and I find myself watching him talking to other people and imagining that he’s thinking and saying all sorts of things. The thing is I know above all else that he never would do anything to hurt me or to disrespect me in front of another person. He is too good, too kind, too loving to do those things, yet my mind races.
However, I am learning to challenge these thoughts that I have and to reassure myself that he isn’t doing anything wrong.
Some people may think it’s a mistake working with a partner, especially when you can be as unstable as I am but I really enjoy it when my mind isn’t dreaming up stupid scenarios.
Sometimes I just catch sight of him doing something, anything, and I just feel a massive surge of love for him.
Spending so much time with one person can be a bad thing but I find that it gives me more opportunities to be reminded of just how much I love him, and for us, at least, it works.
So my working life appears to be back on track so that’s something to check off my list when I’m looking at my progress in recovery.
It’s still very much a wait and see situation, but for now I am pretty happy.