I met my husband to be at work, I knew straight away that I really liked him and after speaking to him for only a few moments I knew I wanted to get to know him better.
4 months later and we were a couple.
10 months after this we bought our first house.
Life was going great, really great, I had everything I wanted and I was only 22.
One year on and I fall apart mentally. I am a complete mess. Yet he stands by me, doesn’t even question whether I’m worth it or if he wants to deal with this, he just does it.
A few months later whilst I’m still strongly being grasped by this monster and he proposes to me, on our 2 year anniversary and in our favourite place he gets down on one knee and in the perfect way asks me to marry him.
I couldn’t have been happier, despite everything he wanted this to work, for us to be together for our whole lives in sickness and in health. Suddenly my world seemed so much brighter, I was sure this was it, all it would take to drag me out of the dark hole that had consumed my life for what felt like forever (as it always does when you are in the centre of it).
Then a few days later I started to sink again, I wasn’t better I had just been on a massive high and I was about to come crashing down.
The months that followed were pretty bad, I wanted to plan a wedding and he wouldn’t let me because I was off work sick and had very little income, also he didn’t want me to get married when I wasn’t feeling my best as he thought I would look back on it with regret, in hindsight I can categorically say that he was correct. At the time however it was like a dagger to my heart, being told that I couldn’t do the thing I desired most; to plan the wedding that will lead to me spending the rest of my life with this incredible human being.
My moods were very unstable, most of the time I was at a massive low and barely able to function, I kept clinging on to this hope that planning the wedding would make me better, give me something to focus on; and yet he wouldn’t let me do it, why wouldn’t he let me do it? I asked myself again and again.
Yet, I kept getting worse. I was self harming and threatening suicide, I packed my bags and left numerous times, pushing him away because I felt so low and so confused and I didn’t know what to do.
Looking back I can’t believe I did these things, he is the one solid thing I have in my life, not only do I love him immeasurable amounts but I also really need him, and yet I left, and I did it multiple times; never for long, only half an hour but I still put him through that pain and gave him that fear that I may not return.
So life got pretty tough; as I was on the cusp of getting everything I’d ever wanted I was trying to destroy it all without even thinking about it.
Luckily I managed to improve and these things that I struggled with are no longer a daily occurrence, in fact it’s been a very long time since I hurt myself or hurt him by causing arguments or leaving; but it did happen at one time and I regret that very much.
The thing is it feels like a never ending journey and you don’t see any way out, but that’s not the case. It is a journey, very much so, but the pain does end and the bad things that are happening are temporary and with the right help and support you can overcome anything.
So here I stand now, less than 3 months away from our wedding day, stronger than ever as both a person and within my relationship. By some miracle I didn’t lose the love of my life, and he continues to stand by my side, proud to say I am his despite the terrible things that I have done to him.
He makes me feel worthy and he reminds me every day that I have every reason to stay strong and continue this journey that I am on.
One day I hope to reach a place where I am as close to fully recovered as you can be, and I will look back on the bad times and be thankful for all the things I have learned by travelling through that place and time.
My mental health is a journey, but one that I am excited to continue as I can feel myself getting stronger and learning to draw on more tools that I can utilise to make my recovery easier, day by day.
This is one of the reasons that I have started to write, it gives me a really good outlet and sharing my experiences (albeit anonymously) makes me feel like I can show people that things do change, you can get better and you shouldn’t carry an enormous guilt for the things you do when you aren’t yourself.
You are trying to get better and no one can ask any more of you than that.