What do I share?

I am seeing a friend today.

I haven’t seen her for a few weeks and although we have been in touch I haven’t filled her in on what’s been happening in my life just because I’d rather do it in person.

I have some good news for her, but I have bad news too.

I don’t know how much I should be sharing though.

Following on from last nights post, me and my husband are struggling to talk about what is going on. He wants to wait until we know for sure before we discuss our options and our feelings about it, but I have things I’m feeling now that I need to share with someone.

He has agreed that I can tell my friend about the possible problem, but I worry if I should be sharing it. 

Should it be just our business for now?

But then if he doesn’t want to talk about it then I need someone to talk to and who better than my best friend.

Aside from that though I have some good news. 

I just got the job I’ve been hoping to get for the last 8 months. I was doing maternity cover and a full time position for the same job, with different days, came up and I got it!

So now I am feeling a lot more secure, and I am so pleased to say I have held down a full time job for so long considering where I was only months before I got the job.

As well as this I went to see a doctor the other day, not my psychiatrist, I am seeing them next month.

I have been getting dizzy and headaches and wondered if it could be my tablets, she said she couldn’t say but she was interested in the tablets I am on, she said one of them is fine but she doesn’t like using the other one long term. So we made the decision to start reducing one of the tablets, by one tablet every 2 weeks until I am off it, as long as I feel ok whilst I am doing it.

I am so happy that she feels I am in a good enough place to do this and that it means that I can have confidence in the progress I have made.

It’s only been a week since I started reducing my dose but I don’t feel noticeably different which I’m hoping is a good sign.

So today I am happy to share my good news but unsure of where I stand with my other news; it is important to share but I need to make sure that I don’t say or do anything that could lead to someone else feeling unhappy or uncomfortable.

What do I share?

Loss.

I have been feeling pretty stable lately.

I am working full time, I get to see my friends when our schedules allow, and I’d say that in my life is going in a good direction.

I’ve got a couple of things going on right now though, and they are causing me some problems.

Firstly I lost my grandpa last weekend, I was at work when I found out. My husband didn’t want to tell me until I got home, he thought it would be best for me to get work out of the way and then sit me down when I am at home and tell me. Someone else got the news to me though and it shocked me. 

I knew he wasn’t in great health but I don’t think you ever expect the news.

I left work and went to see my family, to help where I could and to provide support. The problem is, I didn’t stop to take it in, so I didn’t get to feel the emotions I should be feeling and to start to process what was going on.

Then this week I started my new job.

I say new job, it’s the same job I’ve had for the last 8 months but I’ve just got a permanent contract working slightly different days.

So I go in for my first day of my official permanent job still feeling a complete mess from the events of last weekend.

Over the course of the week I have began to feel better, but there is something else going on too.

I am glad this is an anonymous blog because I’m not really ready to share this with people I know yet, especially because we don’t have a full picture of what is going on,

My husband and I want a family but we came to realise that we might not be able to have children.

We decided to have some tests done and although we haven’t seen a doctor for the results yet we know there is something wrong.

We don’t know what or how serious the issue is but we know now that there is likely to be a reason why we will struggle to have a family.

The thing that scares me is that it might not be a possibility at all. This itself feels like we are losing out. 

On a possible future we could have.

On the lives we could have created and the things we could provide to make their lives the best they could be.

I know we don’t know for sure yet and I know things might work out ok.

I just feel like I’m mourning right now.

Both for the loss of my grandpa, a solid family figure who has been here my whole life, and for the possible loss of my potential children, a future which I dream of.

Sorry to complain and to only write when things aren’t going right, but that’s the time when I need to share.

I know that some of what I have written about is uncertain and you may think I shouldn’t worry without the facts, but I can’t help the thoughts from creeping in.

I think I am going to take some time out in my safe place with my compassionate image and try and process everything that is happening right now.

I know how important it is to remember my therapy, and the tools it has taught me, when times are challenging.

Loss.

Is it really unfair?

I have just had a bit of a meltdown. 

We get married in just over a week, I’m excited and everything is planned.

My fiance just tried on his trousers and has told me they are getting tight. He says he must have gained some weight.

He is over 6 foot and weighs around 11 stone he is actually really thin. If he’s gained any weight it will only be a few pounds. Yet he is now in an awful mood, and tells me all he wants to do is to go for a run.

I feel like this is really unfair for me to have to hear. 

He knows I am in recovery from an eating disorder and that the behaviour he is exhibiting is exactly what I would have done when I was poorly.

He knows I am not allowed to react like that anymore because my therapist keeps an eye on my weight and the amount of exercise I’m doing.

He knows I’ve gained at least a stone in the last few months and I am struggling with that yet I can’t go out and exercise when I realise I’m gaining weight because I’m not allowed to compensate because it encourages my disorder.

He knows all this and yet he stands in front of me and tells me it has ruined his mood.

For him, someone of a healthy weight, to gain a few pounds and still be a perfectly healthy weight, yet be annoyed about this is really difficult for me. He says it’s because the trousers don’t fit but I told him I don’t believe this. I know that if he gained the weight anyway he would be annoyed, and he basically admitted that was true.

It’s really unfair that he tells me not to compensate for weight gain and to be happy the way I am and that I need to love myself and not worry if I’ve gained a little bit of weight, yet he feels that he is OK to get really annoyed over a small gain that still leaves him perfectly healthy.

I am really hurt and I can’t stop crying.

How can he be judging himself for gaining weight when he claims not to judge me when I do the same.

He must be quietly judging me, watching me this whole time I’ve regained the weight that I managed to lose. I am overweight now, in fact I think I am clinically obese.

He has really brought a lot into question for me, I really don’t know how I’m meant to be OK with myself anymore.

It has brought up loads of things that I thought I had buried. 

Am I wrong in saying it’s unfair for him to act like that?

I want him to be able to talk to me about anything.

But I am still recovering. 

I don’t feel like it’s fair for him to behave in a way that I would be told off for.

He even admitted that if I said I was going for a run because I gained weight then he wouldn’t be OK with that, because I had an eating disorder.

I think a lot of people have eating disordered behaviours though, and I think he is one of them. Just because he doesn’t admit it doesn’t mean he is using it in a way that is any different to the way in which I would use it.

This time I don’t think he is being fair to me.

It doesn’t feel fair.

Is it really unfair?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Sunday.

I work alone on Sundays.

Last Sunday I couldn’t bring myself to go in because I just couldn’t get my head right.

I’m really hoping tomorrow is a different story.

I can’t keep missing work and expecting other people to do my job for me.

I just need to find something within myself to overcome the thoughts that plague me.

I really hope tomorrow goes that way I want.

If I can just get myself to work I’ll be fine.

I can do the job no problem, it’s just mentally I don’t feel equipped to deal with it sometimes, especially when I know I’m going to be alone all day.

Fingers crossed tomorrow isn’t a repeat of last week.

If it is I feel it will be the start of a slippery slope.

Tomorrow.

Struggling.

I went into work today.

I didn’t want to when I woke up, but I did.

Felt ok on the drive in, me and my fiance were singing and dancing in the car.

Then I arrive and the weight of it hits me.

But I’ve got on with it.

Until about an hour ago, it comes in waves, mood swings, changes. I feel really low right now.

I’ve got less than an hour to go but it feels like forever.

I’ve been allowed to go out for a break to clear my head, so that’s where I am now, stood in the smoking shelter, vaping, and tapping away on my phone.

Sharing how I feel with people that I hope can understand.

Struggling.

Compassionate letter #5.

Hello friend.

It’s time for you to stop and breathe.

You’ve got a lot going on, a wedding to plan, a full time job to do, friendships to juggle.

Take a step back and realise you’ve got it all under control.

You’ve made massive progress planning the wedding today, and if you’re completely honest with yourself it’s been really well planned the whole way though, you’ve made sure of it.

Work is what it is, you need a job and although it’s busy and stressful, you are good at it, so have faith and soldier on.

You’re friends don’t require your constant attention and they are there to support you too. They love you and would do anything to ensure you are happy and healthy.

Take a step back.

Breathe.

Focus on the positives.

You are doing well.

Everyone has set backs, you can work through this.

Stay strong my friend.

With love always,

Your compassionate friend. 

Compassionate letter #5.

Looking out for yourself.

Today my fiance sat me down and had a chat.

On Sunday I was a mess, I couldn’t go to work. As we work together he was able to take my place and go in and cover my shift.

Today he told me it’s not fair on him for me to run myself in to the ground and expect him to pick up the pieces.

He says I do everything for everyone else and run myself down so that I can’t function and only he has to see how it affects me and only he has to be responsible for doing the things that I should be doing and yet can’t.

I feel bad for him, he doesn’t deserve to have all of this thrust upon him, he didn’t ask for any of it.

But I don’t see it coming, I don’t do stuff for my family knowing it will ruin me and leave him to sort through the broken mess that I become.

I don’t knowingly destroy myself.

It just happens.

I wish I could see how my actions will affect my future self.

I wish I had more foresight.

How can I break this cycle and prevent what happened this weekend from happening again.

I can’t keep expecting him to mend me everytime I fall apart.

It isn’t fair.

Looking out for yourself.