Is it really unfair?

I have just had a bit of a meltdown. 

We get married in just over a week, I’m excited and everything is planned.

My fiance just tried on his trousers and has told me they are getting tight. He says he must have gained some weight.

He is over 6 foot and weighs around 11 stone he is actually really thin. If he’s gained any weight it will only be a few pounds. Yet he is now in an awful mood, and tells me all he wants to do is to go for a run.

I feel like this is really unfair for me to have to hear. 

He knows I am in recovery from an eating disorder and that the behaviour he is exhibiting is exactly what I would have done when I was poorly.

He knows I am not allowed to react like that anymore because my therapist keeps an eye on my weight and the amount of exercise I’m doing.

He knows I’ve gained at least a stone in the last few months and I am struggling with that yet I can’t go out and exercise when I realise I’m gaining weight because I’m not allowed to compensate because it encourages my disorder.

He knows all this and yet he stands in front of me and tells me it has ruined his mood.

For him, someone of a healthy weight, to gain a few pounds and still be a perfectly healthy weight, yet be annoyed about this is really difficult for me. He says it’s because the trousers don’t fit but I told him I don’t believe this. I know that if he gained the weight anyway he would be annoyed, and he basically admitted that was true.

It’s really unfair that he tells me not to compensate for weight gain and to be happy the way I am and that I need to love myself and not worry if I’ve gained a little bit of weight, yet he feels that he is OK to get really annoyed over a small gain that still leaves him perfectly healthy.

I am really hurt and I can’t stop crying.

How can he be judging himself for gaining weight when he claims not to judge me when I do the same.

He must be quietly judging me, watching me this whole time I’ve regained the weight that I managed to lose. I am overweight now, in fact I think I am clinically obese.

He has really brought a lot into question for me, I really don’t know how I’m meant to be OK with myself anymore.

It has brought up loads of things that I thought I had buried. 

Am I wrong in saying it’s unfair for him to act like that?

I want him to be able to talk to me about anything.

But I am still recovering. 

I don’t feel like it’s fair for him to behave in a way that I would be told off for.

He even admitted that if I said I was going for a run because I gained weight then he wouldn’t be OK with that, because I had an eating disorder.

I think a lot of people have eating disordered behaviours though, and I think he is one of them. Just because he doesn’t admit it doesn’t mean he is using it in a way that is any different to the way in which I would use it.

This time I don’t think he is being fair to me.

It doesn’t feel fair.

Is it really unfair?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Sunday.

I work alone on Sundays.

Last Sunday I couldn’t bring myself to go in because I just couldn’t get my head right.

I’m really hoping tomorrow is a different story.

I can’t keep missing work and expecting other people to do my job for me.

I just need to find something within myself to overcome the thoughts that plague me.

I really hope tomorrow goes that way I want.

If I can just get myself to work I’ll be fine.

I can do the job no problem, it’s just mentally I don’t feel equipped to deal with it sometimes, especially when I know I’m going to be alone all day.

Fingers crossed tomorrow isn’t a repeat of last week.

If it is I feel it will be the start of a slippery slope.

Tomorrow.

Struggling.

I went into work today.

I didn’t want to when I woke up, but I did.

Felt ok on the drive in, me and my fiance were singing and dancing in the car.

Then I arrive and the weight of it hits me.

But I’ve got on with it.

Until about an hour ago, it comes in waves, mood swings, changes. I feel really low right now.

I’ve got less than an hour to go but it feels like forever.

I’ve been allowed to go out for a break to clear my head, so that’s where I am now, stood in the smoking shelter, vaping, and tapping away on my phone.

Sharing how I feel with people that I hope can understand.

Struggling.

Compassionate letter #5.

Hello friend.

It’s time for you to stop and breathe.

You’ve got a lot going on, a wedding to plan, a full time job to do, friendships to juggle.

Take a step back and realise you’ve got it all under control.

You’ve made massive progress planning the wedding today, and if you’re completely honest with yourself it’s been really well planned the whole way though, you’ve made sure of it.

Work is what it is, you need a job and although it’s busy and stressful, you are good at it, so have faith and soldier on.

You’re friends don’t require your constant attention and they are there to support you too. They love you and would do anything to ensure you are happy and healthy.

Take a step back.

Breathe.

Focus on the positives.

You are doing well.

Everyone has set backs, you can work through this.

Stay strong my friend.

With love always,

Your compassionate friend. 

Compassionate letter #5.

Looking out for yourself.

Today my fiance sat me down and had a chat.

On Sunday I was a mess, I couldn’t go to work. As we work together he was able to take my place and go in and cover my shift.

Today he told me it’s not fair on him for me to run myself in to the ground and expect him to pick up the pieces.

He says I do everything for everyone else and run myself down so that I can’t function and only he has to see how it affects me and only he has to be responsible for doing the things that I should be doing and yet can’t.

I feel bad for him, he doesn’t deserve to have all of this thrust upon him, he didn’t ask for any of it.

But I don’t see it coming, I don’t do stuff for my family knowing it will ruin me and leave him to sort through the broken mess that I become.

I don’t knowingly destroy myself.

It just happens.

I wish I could see how my actions will affect my future self.

I wish I had more foresight.

How can I break this cycle and prevent what happened this weekend from happening again.

I can’t keep expecting him to mend me everytime I fall apart.

It isn’t fair.

Looking out for yourself.

Absent.

So I’ve been pretty absent the past couple of weeks.

I keep meaning to write down how I’m feeling but when I try nothing comes out.

I’m going through a bit of a rough patch.

My eating is sliding, my moods are irregular, I missed a day of work due to not feeling like I could even get out of bed. All the techniques I’ve learned in therapy have essentially been abandoned. I’m gaining weight and I just feel like a lump.

I don’t understand why any of this is happening though, nothing has really changed.

Maybe it’s just being a normal functioning adult is taking its toll on me after me being out of action for so long.

I had my hen party this week and I just felt like I didn’t belong. They had done a great job organising it and I had a good time, but I knew I should have been having a better time.

Today I read something on Facebook that I didn’t want to see too, this sent me into a bit of a bad place, and my fiance didn’t understand. He never understands why other people’s lives concern me so much, but if something affects me then I can’t just not feel what I’m feeling. I don’t have that sort of control.

I text a friend and she made me feel better.

I needed to write about it though, I need to get this out in a healthy way.

I need to be vocal about the fact that things are so great.

I need to admit it to myself.

I need to challenge these things that are happening and focus on a better future.

I need to share my story.

From now on, I’ll try to be less absent.

Absent.

Current mood – unknown

At the moment I am very up and down.

One minute I’m on the verge of tears and the next I’m bouncing up and down.

I don’t know where this has come from or why it is happening.

I know I’m not bipolar because my psychiatrist ruled that out pretty early on, but my moods do just jump up and down.

I guess this is my emotionally unstable personality disorder, does what it says really, my emotions are incredibly unstable.

The thing is, I had been holding it together so well, and now it feels like it’s all slipping.

Despite all the therapy and the tools I have learned I just can’t see to get a grip on it.

I think that’s because I don’t know where it’s coming from.

If someone had upset me I could address that issue.

If I wasn’t sleeping enough I could try and adjust.

Yet I don’t know what is causing this disruption, so how am I meant to tackle it.

Maybe I need to slow down, but when I do I completely stop, there’s no half way for me. It’s all or nothing.

If I have nothing to do, I will do nothing.

I need to keep busy but I don’t need to run myself down. It’s difficult finding a balance though.

I just wish I knew what I needed to get back on even ground.

I’m fed up of the highs and lows.

I would love to just be level.

Current mood – unknown